Geese, Chocolate, and Vinegar

A short scribble today, as I’m busy building a snowman to see if it will frighten the wild geese off my estate. I still haven’t used my newly acquired shotgun, as I want my neighbours to feel safe while they amble about outside their back doors. Having said that, someone else must have had a Sunday lunch for the price of a bullet last weekend, as I had seven geese visiting me last Saturday, but on Monday there were only six.

Tony Blair has come and gone from the Iraq inquiry, acting exactly as I thought he would be – smug, arrogant, and bullish. Not a hint of regret for the invasion; insisting, instead, that the world was a safer place since the removal of Saddam Hussein. Certainly not for our military, or for innocent civilians across the globe whose lives are being snuffed out by roadside explosive devices and by suicide bombers. Liberal Democrat MP Sir Menzies Campbell summed up the man rather neatly when he commented, “Mr Blair does not do contrition.”

I now turn to this country of ours, Britain, that could in the past be rightly prefixed by the ‘Great’. In the latter part of my lifetime, it has lost its shipbuilding, steel, car, and fishing industries, along with others, too numerous to mention. The loss of those was bad enough, but I was even more saddened a couple of weeks ago when I learned that those masters of the chocolate world, Cadburys, were to be taken over by Krafts. Ah, the number of female hearts that melted over the years after I’d continually assaulted them with products from the afore mentioned company. I don’t think I’ll be doing much of that in the future, as giving her something made by Krafts will probably make us both visualize salad cream or cheese. Not the same, I’m afraid!

Glancing through a local paper this week, I noticed an advert with an inflatable dingy (I assume it was meant to be ‘dinghy’) for sale. Amongst its selling points was the fact that it had no leaks. Certainly reassuring for any would-be buyers. The same paper had a snippet of information concerning jewels – that pearls melt in vinegar. Luckily I was aware of that fact from an early age – it’s why, when I took any female acquaintance out for a posh meal, I never allowed her to sprinkle any of the stuff on her fish supper.

Blair, Palin, and Picasso

We now know that Tony Blair is to give evidence in the Iraq inquiry sometime in the fortnight after 25th January. If he has any conscience left, or any respect for the families of those whom he helped send to an untimely death, I would hope that his semi permanent smirk will be missing from his dial. 60 seats are being allocated to the public, but only a third of those are to be given to families who have lost their loved ones. Those folk are understandably upset – as far as I can see, all the seats should have been given to them. Instead of that, a ballot is being held to determine who will be given the remaining seats. Presumably, this will consist of other members of the public who’ve had no direct contact with the conflict, and who just want to go there to gawk, for want of a better word. Shameful!

America seems to be all mixed up at the moment as regards politics. After the euphoria following Barack Obama’s election to The White House, it now appears that Sarah Palin is very much in vogue again. Her debut as a political pundit has been hailed by a lot of the public as a success, and her book of memoirs is on top of the US bestseller lists. I’m not sure how true some of the comments attributed to her by critics were, such as being experienced in foreign relations because she could “see Russia” from Alaska, her home state, or that she was of the opinion that Africa was just the one country. Whatever the truth of the matter, she is either a very smart lady, or she has some very smart individuals advising her. She resigned as Governor of Alaska last July, ostensibly to shield her family from criticism, but in reality was probably a move which allowed her to escape ethics probes which subsequently found her guilty of numerous violations. Going by her popularity at the moment, it seems that a lot of the American people have short memories, and are quite happy to support someone who oozes sex appeal, and looks like a TV star.

Congratulations are in order for Flight Lieutenant Wills Wales, he who is second in line to the throne, for graduating from his RAF helicopter course. His girlfriend, Kate Middleton, will undoubtedly feel that much safer stepping into his chopper the next time that he drops into her garden to collect her.

I received my electricity bill today – not too heavy, I must admit, but it reminded me of Pablo Picasso, who, when he was poor, used to burn his paintings in order to keep warm. Unfortunately, we cannot all be painters!

Barmy British Laws

A couple of months ago, I mentioned some of the barmy laws that exist in Britain, and it’s only because of the unusually long spell of snow and frost that I came across another one that could affect any of us as we walk around our towns and cities. I was very critical of local shopkeepers for not clearing the pavements in front of their shops, but it seems that they were actually protecting themselves from the wrath of British justice. Firms have been warned that if they clear ice outside their businesses, they leave themselves open to legal action. However, if they leave the paths or pavements in a treacherous state, they are immune from being sued. It seems that they would have to get public liability insurance if they wanted to stay above board in the legal sense. The Institution of Occupational Safety and Health, representing 36,000 health and safety experts, has a lot to answer for.

It seems that we are not allowed nowadays to protect our families and property either. The TV presenter Myleene Klass has been warned by police that she was breaking the law by waving a knife at a gang who had broken into her garden. She was actually inside her home, and they were outside, when the incident occurred, but she was told that she should not have used the knife as carrying an “offensive weapon”, even in her own house, was illegal. With the scarcity of police officers nowadays on the beat, what are folk supposed to do – allow themselves to be attacked and their houses ransacked by louts? It leaves me with a dilemma as well – how am I going to chop my vegetables, or for that matter, cut up my juicy T-bone steak?

Experts at “Which?”, the consumer watchdogs, have come to the conclusion that everyday tasks such as mopping the floor, dusting, and taking a walk with the vacuum cleaner burn up more calories and give a better boost to fitness than playing about with a Nintendo Wii. They probably burned a lot of grey calories themselves while trying to come to that conclusion.

It seems that Ronnie Wood, he of the Rolling Fossils, has started dating another girl in her 20s, just weeks after falling out with Katia Ivanova, his girlfriend for 18 months or so. This latest one’s family come from Russia, same as Katia did. Is he collecting their females in the same way as some of us collect their famous eggs?

Global Warming or Freezing?

Another really cold day here in the northern part of Scotland, with a strong wind, frost, and choppy seas, meaning that ferries are stuck in port, thus leaving supermarket shelves so bare that they could easily be eligible to be on the Sun’s Page Three. I think that human hibernation for the next month is the only answer. In fact, although I might have mentioned this before, the wind was so strong that it reminded me of a similar day a while back, when a neighbour told me that he’s watched one of his hens lay the same egg three times.

A few weeks ago, we had some of the world’s so-called leaders having a chinwag for 10 days on how to stop global warming. They couldn’t agree on anything, of course, although they DID manage to spend millions on expenses, quaffing the best food and drink, and managing to leave even more of a carbon footprint by jetting in for their conference from all corners of the globe. Have they never heard of some advances that have been made in technology over the years, such as video conferencing? Going by the weather we’re having now, can we expect them to have another shindig soon, in order to discuss how to stop global freezing?

Still on the weather front – David McLetchie, leader of the Scottish Tories between 1999 and 2005, has suggested that offenders should be made to clear our pavements and streets of snow as part of their rehab. Within minutes, a listener had phoned BBC Scotland, asking how the public could manage their finances if the bankers were out, busy shovelling the white stuff.

I see that Stephanie Beacham, she of Dynasty fame, managed to burn herself just days before she was due to go into the Celebrity Big Brother house, whatever that is. She knocked over a saucepan of boiling water in her kitchen, and somehow managed to scald one of her legs and her head. She must be either very supple or else rather small in stature to have managed that feat.

A quick update on Mrs Ure, who is still stuck in a caravan with one of her friends, and of course, with the turkey. I thought things couldn’t get any worse, but it seems that they have, as the electricity generator back home has blown up, and her husband has to rely on candles and a coal fire. Maybe the song, “The Twelve Days of Christmas” will need to have a few extra days added to it.

Dentists and Frozen Turkeys

It’s been over a month since I’ve scribbled anything here, but it should come as no surprise that I have a look at Westminster for my first item of 2010. It has been revealed that many of the estimated one million illegal immigrants in Britain are actually working in top Government offices – including the headquarters of the UK Border Agency – the body that is supposed to keep them out of the country in the first instance! The organisation is one of 3 Government departments, 54 NHS Trusts, and 34 local authorities who have admitted employing 349 foreign staff that have no right to work here since 2006. On top of that, the expenses scandal is still to the fore, with over 400 MPs having had demands to repay some of their expense claims, ranging from £1000s for flipping houses to a few pounds for things such as garlic slicers. It all leaves a sour taste in the mouth.

Talking of that part of the anatomy, it seems that a new dentist’s surgery is to be built adjacent to the local hospital here. I would have thought that there are plenty of other areas where it could have been built, as the hospital could well do with many more parking spaces, and the ground allocated for the dentist’s new surgery would have been ideal. The architects have tried to pacify us natives by telling us of the lovely view of Broadbay that we’re going to have as we sit there having our treasured molars extracted. Well, that is certainly true if we happen to be sitting whilst facing east – we’ll be able to see a small part of the bay, plus the odd plane landing on, or taking off, from the nearby airport. However, if we are looking north, we find ourselves looking at a housing estate, and what folk are preparing for dinner. A glimpse to the west, another housing estate, and the busiest road leading into the town, which will undoubtedly give us fantastic free views of would-be Formula One Drivers. Now to the south, where all we’re going to have is a bird’s eye view of nurses tending to their patients in a couple of the wards. Fantastic scenery, as the architects have informed us. Of course, we have the consolation of knowing that the Accident and Emergency department is only 40 yards away if the dentist messes up our gums whilst he or she is enjoying the panorama to be seen from his room.

I suppose that we should all sympathize with the couple from Sutherland in the north of Scotland who have been kept apart by the weather for the past 14 days. Kay Ure had left her lighthouse keeper’s cottage in the remote part of the Scottish Highlands to go on a shopping trip to Inverness. However, with the turkey safely in the bag, thick snow and blocked roads have made it impossible for her to return to the cottage and to her, no doubt, starving husband, John. We can only hope that he will soon have two birds in the hand, one frozen, and one of the rather more cuddly type.