Friday 24 December 2010

Ye Cannae Shove a Doggy Aff a Bus!

Just had a chinwag with the old geezer himself, Mr Claus – he's just covered Greece, and is now doing a few stops in Turkey, where he'll probably get accosted by the usual hooligans in the football fraternity there. He's quite relaxed about coming to the UK in a couple of hours time, as his sleds are bursting at the seams with the stuff that the councils crave – salt. A lot of the afore mentioned bodies were taken by surprise last year when we had the unexpected heavy snowfalls, and quickly ran out of salt for our roads. Lessons were learned, or so we were told. Plenty of salt ordered for this year? Yes, of course, we were told! However, some councils have announced that they will be rationing salt next week, will use more grit instead, and will have the gritting lorries out for fewer hours than previously. Are they using some of it in cooking their over sized birds over Christmas?

When S.C. reaches Glasgow, I would expect to see Tommy Sheridan waiting for him, in order to collect the few packets of porridge oats that he ordered, so as to get used to them before he moves into one of Her Majesty's cells next month, if press reports are to be believed. I'm sure we can now rely on the press to tell us the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth – after all, it WAS Tommy who was found guilty of perjury yesterday. His performance in court on Tuesday was just about good enough to merit an Oscar, when he pleaded with the jury not to convict him, as he might have to spend Christmas apart from his wife and daughter. It wasn't the jury, the police, or the prosecution that's left him in his present situation – simply his own arrogance. He thought that folk could still be swayed by emotion, and not by fact – he was proved wrong.

The official ring belonging to the head of the Church of Scotland was stolen in a break-in at his home. Moderator of the General Assembly, Right Reverend John Christie, woke on Christmas Eve to find the front door of his Helensburgh home open, and the ceremonial ring gone. Thieves also stole Christmas gifts and other belongings including a wallet. I heard Rev Christie on radio this afternoon, asking that seeing it was Christmas time, the thief could hand the stuff back in the spirit of peace and goodwill etc. Maybe that would have happened if he had offered the culprit the offer of calling round for a nice slice of cake and a large glass of another kind of spirit. All take, and no give, it seems.

Scots should consider Isle of Arran cheese and Stornoway Black Pudding on their Christmas menu to cut down on food miles, according to the SNP. Nationalist MEP Alyn Smith has backed the National Farmers Union Scotland's 'What's On Your Plate' campaign, calling on shoppers to use local produce over the festive period. He said: "We have world-class produce in Scotland. Now is a particularly good time to remind Scots of the fantastic Scottish produce available.” Pity he forgot to give that advice to the party members in the Western Isles, who enjoyed their St Andrew's Night curry bash in Bangla Spice in Stornoway.

A little lost dog boarded a bus by himself and refused to leave as temperatures plunged to minus 11C. The frozen Cairn terrier, named Claus, was found cowering on the bus in the west end of Glasgow with icicles hanging from his fur. Passengers were astounded when the dog, aged about eight years old, boarded the First bus when it stopped on Dumbarton Road on Wednesday. He was so cold he found a warm spot in the corner and curled up. I suppose the “Grannie” song could be adapted:--
Oh, ye cannae shove a doggie aff a bus; Oh, ye cannae shove a doggie aff a bus; Ye cannae shove a doggy, he might be yer pal Shuggie's, Nae, ye cannae shove a doggie aff a bus.
Happy eating, everyone!