Beds, Sleep, and Snails

I was fascinated to learn from the Professor (sorry, cannot reveal his name), that on average, women blink nearly twice as much as men. So fellows, if you think that a woman is interested in doing some linking with you by winking, when she’s actually blinking, it’s maybe time for some rational thinking, or better still, a splash of cold water.

I’ve been of the opinion for a while now that we need more than 365 days in the year, to accommodate all those special anniversaries that seem to be created. There's Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Patron Saint’s Day, Pet’s Day, Organic Bin Day – the only one that will be missing soon for many will be Payday. If one you’d like to commemorate isn’t there, just create it, get someone to write a stupid rhyme, and hey presto, you’re sitting on a goldmine. I  remember when I was younger that we got cards at Christmas time, and of course, on Valentine’s Day, when the postman had to make two deliveries to our humble abode. I had to actually change my name because of it, as my father carried the same name as my good self, and this was the only day of the year that he seemed to be interested in the postie’s offerings.

I was reminded of all that after reading today that this is National Bed Month – yes, all sorts of things are being commemorated during each month as well. I was intrigued by this one – does it mean that we only use our beds during March, and kip down elsewhere for the rest of the year? There is even a Sleep Council (not Members of the House of Lords, as I thought at first), who have launched two online videos to show people how they can get sleep fit. In the article that I read, reasons are given for buying a new bed NOW. It seems that getting a good night’s sleep is more important than ever because of all the worries and concerns we have during this economic downturn, it wards off illnesses and mental challenges we might be experiencing, and BECAUSE of the lack of money, we will not be going out so much, so it follows that we’ll be spending more time than ever in bed. What utter bunkum!

They carry on by telling us that a new bed is one of the best investments that we can make for our health and wellbeing, at a cost of 15 pence per night, assuming that the bed would last 7 years. They further tell us that this is about 2 pence per person per night. If my arithmetic is correct, this means that seven and a half people are using the bed, which must mean a poor family sharing, or maybe a swingers’ paradise. I’m not very sure about the half bit. I’ll probably have nightmares about it whilst I try to make myself comfortable on the straw in the barn.

I nearly forgot another snippet of information that was supplied to me by the Prof., and which seems to be at odds with what the above mentioned Council would have us believe about the benefits of more sleep. It’s a well known fact, he assured me, that a snail can sleep for up to three years, but there’s nothing to suggest that it’s any fitter after that period than it was beforehand. After they’ve had their breakfast of decayed lettuce or cabbage, they amble out into the sunshine at the same leisurely pace as a senior citizen on his way to collect his pension.