Dennis the Menace a Menace no more!

Nicola Sturgeon, first in line to the throne of that other fishy sounding character, Alex Salmond, seems to have completely lost her marbles this week, having written to a court asking for leniency to be shown in the case of a convicted benefits fraudster. This guy cheated taxpayers out of £80,000 whilst living in a £400,000 home in Glasgow and earning rent for another property in Edinburgh. She must also have been aware of the fact that he’d been jailed for 4 years in 1996 for a pensions and benefits scam, yet she had the gall to tell the court that he’s in poor health and had made a “mistake”. Some mistake! Anyway, it’s made me take a note of my own MSP’s phone number, in case I get nicked in the future for flicking my cigarette ash on to the pavement.

It seems that Dennis the Menace, b.1951, and one of my boyhood heroes, has been disarmed in the comic, supposedly to match Dennis in the TV cartoon version. The politically correct brigade have managed to remove his peashooter, catapult, and water pistol; his menacing scowl has gone, replaced by a wide angelic grin, and his trusty sidekick, Gnasher the hound, has lost the right to bite the postie or the traffic warden, or indeed, anybody else who looks remotely edible. The PC lobbyists insist that children who are exposed to the old-style Dennis, Roger the Dodger, and Minnie the Minx are more liable to turn into serial thieves, murderers, or terrorists. What utter rubbish! Do the majority of us who were brought up reading those comics now go around brandishing guns, knifes, or throwing bombs into crowded places. I think not!

I think I’ve written before now regarding stupid surveys and research carried out at great expense by supposedly respectable bodies and individuals. I’ve just come across another one that has been unleashed this week, involving some research done by Dr Jane Murray of Bristol University. She has come to the conclusion that folk who own cats are quite a bit more intelligent than those who own dogs. No chance of me, then, applying for membership of Mensa, and meeting up with the Queen of figures, Carol Vorderman, at an egghheads’ convention. I’ve never had a cat, and I don’t think I will either, even if it was going to enhance the cells up top. Dr Murray has also come up with the breathtaking revelation that people with gardens are more likely to have pets than those who don’t. I’d actually suspected that was the case for a number of years now, as my pet elephant’s toilet requirements couldn’t easily be met inside the confines of the house. The research wasn’t all rubbish, of course – it also informs us that, on the whole, members of the canine and feline worlds do not get on well together. It must have taken them a long time, and the consumption of countless doggie biscuits, before they came up with that one. Not having had time to read the whole report, I’m not sure if loyalty is mentioned. I think everyone, pet owner or not, can see that cats have a “couldn’t care less” attitude, as long as they are fed, whereas dogs never tire of showing affection for their owners. Of course, it’s a known fact (no research needed) that if you were to die, your dog would lie there indefinitely beside you, whereas your cat …. well, he wouldn’t starve….