John Cleese and Expenses

The Sir Thomas Legg final report into claims for MPs’ expenses has been published today, and makes interesting reading, although nobody will have the actual time to read it. It is a large volume, and so it should be, at a cost of over £1,000,000, roughly the same amount as is being clawed back from certain guys and gals at Westminster. It is ironic that on the same day, parliamentary authorities have also introduced a new system for viewing MPs’ latest expenses claims, and it is, quite simply, an outrage. The old system – a list of names with links to PDF files – was much better. Voters can no longer view copies of receipts. Only the bare details of expenses are given -- just a new way of covering up details of claims. I’m not going to dwell on the issue here, although I was interested to hear Sir Gerald Kaufman’s name being mentioned on a couple of news bulletins earlier on. I had read last year about his claiming £225 for a pen, which I hope came complete with ink, and £8865 for a Bang & Olufsen 40in LCD television, but I hadn’t picked up on the £220+ that was spent on 2 grapefruit bowls. At that price, maybe the grapefruit should be silver plated.

Meanwhile, my own financial situation is not in the best of health today – I was asked to carry out a small job for the local council over the next couple of weeks, but didn’t realise that I had to fill in a pile of forms first of all, presumably to keep others in work scrutinising them. Worse was to come, as the instructions stipulated that I had to use black ink. Alas, no such thing in the house, which meant that I had to invest in 2 black pens, thus halving my anticipated wages from the work. As if that wasn’t depressing enough, I found out that President Obama is drastically cutting down on the money given to NASA, and is eliminating the manned missions to the moon. It means that the 2 plots I bought over 14 years ago in a desirable location there are now worth zilch. I might have to look to Iran to help out – they might, just might, get someone up there during my lifetime, as they have managed to send a mouse, a pair of turtles, and some worms into space using a light booster rocket. Probably turn out to be just a Mickey Mouse effort, though.

Talking of Space, a doctor near Washington, DC was very fortunate to escape injury last week, when a small meteorite struck the roof of his office, and scattered debris around the place. It was the size of a tennis ball, and was travelling at around 220 miles per hour. Probably something that Andy Murray should aim for if he wants to succeed at Wimbledon.

I’ve always been a fan of John Cleese, especially his portrayal of the hotel owner in “Fawlty Towers”. Last year he was in America, carrying out his “Alimony Tour”, so-called because of the $20,000,000 that he had to fork out to his ex-wife, Alice Faye Eichelberger. Sounds like “I’ll hae a burger”, but presumably she won’t be sitting down in a MacDonald’s in the foreseeable future. Anyway, he came up with some memorable lines concerning the divorce, and the amount of money that is now missing from his bank account, including this one – “To make me feel better, my lawyer told me to imagine how much more I’d have had to pay if Alice had contributed anything to the relationship – such as children, or a two way conversation”. Ouch!