Election, Golf, and Dolphins

Having been off the planet for a few weeks, I thought I’d come back to earth, and find out that politics had disappeared off the front pages. Alas, I soon realized that my hope was misplaced, given that a General Election has been called for next month, with thousands of aspiring pocket liners advising us on where to scribble our crosses. Lampposts, signposts, and even scratching posts, are covered in leaflets bearing the different parties’ names – so much for helping the environment, given the waste of paper involved. Do those who go around sticking up those works of art really imagine that I am going to be swayed by how many they’ve managed to put up, or by how high up a poster has been placed? I had a phone call on Tuesday night from a canvasser, informing me of how useless our sitting MP has been over the past few years, but she neglected to tell me what miracles HER candidate was going to perform in order to brighten up my existence. As I was trying to watch some football at the time, I wasn’t too amused with her rantings, so I gently told her that I liked planting XXXXXs on an attractive female’s lips, but that she need not apply.

Whilst I was away, I attended my nephew’s wedding, in the lovely town of Troon, famous for its golf courses and ice cream. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to sample either of those delights – the ice cream would have played havoc with my aftershave, and the golf was ... well ... too expensive. The marriage ceremony and wedding went off without a hitch, the reception being in a very nice hotel, with spacious grounds. We had excellent food and service, but unfortunately my ferric levels dropped alarmingly, as there was no Irn-Bru to be found on the premises. I suppose there was some consolation to be found in the array of beautiful females there, mostly from the Highlands and Islands of Scotland. Wha’s like them? If Tiger Woods had been in town having a round of golf, even he would have been put off his stroke.

Exercise Joint Warrior, the biggest training operation of its kind in Europe, kicked of last Monday. It takes place twice a year, and is held around the Clyde, the Western Isles, and Cape Wrath in Sutherland, with 11 countries being involved in the present one. The Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society (WDCS) are present as well, of course, in order to monitor the effect of the exercise on marine life. It must be rather difficult for them to assess properly, as they are land based, although they have managed to come up with the fact that research on a population of minke whales that appear off the west coast in the summer showed that the number of animals fell during each exercise, suggesting that they disappeared whilst it was being carried out. Of course they do – they’re not daft, and have no intention of being blown to bits by a rogue torpedo. By the way, if you’re walking around those coasts this week, and think you’ve spotted a bottlenose dolphin, do not be surprised to hear someone calling, “Bonjour, Monsieur”, as it will just be a French submarine up for a breather.

I see that our very own snowy owl has returned to the Hebrides this year in its continuing search for a female companion. It has been visiting most of the islands, including St Kilda, for the past 7 years, and although it was joined by another owl of the same species in 2008, hopes of a happy ending were dashed when it emerged that it was another male, presumably with the same idea of finding a mate. I suppose they’ll have to move with technology, and start using an online service, such as “Feathered Fling”.