Dogs and Airlines

Hypocrisy seems to be alive and well everywhere these days – Highland region have had a vigorous anti-smoking policy for quite a while now, but news has filtered through that £27,000,000 of their funds is invested with a tobacco company. They defend their action by stating that it’s a jolly good investment in a time of recession, and not to be sniffed at. It seems that where money is involved, integrity disappears in a puff of smoke.

 

Talking of sniffing, we know that lampposts were invented for dogs to use as conveniences whilst on their daily jaunts. In Sweden apparently, the acid that they leave on the posts as a by-product is being blamed for corrosion on those particular items of street furniture. Someone there has come up with the bright idea of attaching dog urinals to the posts, consisting of a rubber cup with a hose to carry the offending urine into the gutter. Although I haven’t carried out an intensive study of dogs, I do wonder at what height those contraptions are to be placed – I mean what’s a poor Chihuahua (9 inches high) to do when he’s caught out and is faced with one of them that has been placed at the correct height for an Irish Wolfhound (nearly 3 feet high)? It’s got me so confused that I think I have to go and see a man about a dog myself.

 

Toilets for the pooches; now some news for us humans concerning them as well. It’s been aired today that “Ryanair”, one of the low cost airlines, is thinking of starting to charge for the use of the toilets on their aircraft, a "Pee As You Go" scheme, I suppose. For those who suffer from incontinence, that cheap flight could turn out to be rather more expensive than usual. For others, I would advise you to unload your excess baggage before you board, in other words, “Go before you go!” The idea has been aired by the fim's chairman, Michael o'Leary. I rather think that he's taking the mickey or the p***.

 

It’s been rumoured that Tesco is about to become a stand-alone High Street bank. This could definitely be a threat to small banks and building societies, but given their impressive reputation up till now, I think I should withdraw the £11.40 from under my mattress, and deposit it with them. After all, “Every little helps!”, as they say in their adverts.    

Pensions, Wages, and Water

Just as I thought that I might have a couple of days with my blood pressure down to normal, I hear on the airwaves that The Royal Bank of Scotland is being given more billions in order to help it on its merry way, but what really scunnered (a great Scots word) me was the fact that the main culprit for getting them into a mess, Sir Freddie Goodwin, is to receive a yearly pension of £650,000. Our Prime Minister is only on a measly salary of £194,000, for goodness sake. It works out at £12,500 per week for that Goodwin guy, while folk who put in an honest 40 hours work on the minimum wage have to exist on £11,918.40 a year. He (Goodwin) laughed at the idea that he should not accept that amount – in effect, he is mocking, not only the ordinary people of Britain, but its elected Government as well. If Gordon Brown and his Cabinet do not, or cannot, deal with this fiasco, quite a few of them will find themselves signing their autographs for Jobseekers’ Allowance after the next election.

 

I thought I’d have to get rid of dark thoughts for a couple of hours, so decided to have a look at some of the lighter offerings in the media. I noticed in one local paper that punctuation didn’t come into use until the advent of printing in the 15^th century. When I browse through certain publications nowadays, I might be excused for wondering if their editors have been made aware of the fact that puctuation does, in fact, exist. 

 

Looking through the ”Situations Vacant” page in the same paper, I came across an advert asking for folk to apply for the post of “Raining Officer”. Requirements include excellent interpersonal and communication skills. I was always of the opinion that simple chanting, combined with frenzied dancing, did the trick.

 

Still on the subject of water – it seems that there was a significant drop in the number of fish caught last year from the Tweed, Scotland’s top salmon river. Lack of water, one might think; no, it was actually the wettest year for almost a century. It seems that the drop in numbers came about because nearly a month of fishing days were “lost” because of the rain. Where have all the hardy anglers of yesteryear gone?

 

“Where have all the owners gone?” I asked myself when I saw some of the items that have been left behind by guests in hotels owned by the Travelodge chain. Keys to a Porsche, artificial limbs, false teeth, and a horse have all been found. If you happen to notice a one-legged jockey with no teeth trying to get into a Porsche, please show him the way to the nearest Travelodge Inn.   

Well-Heeled and Two-Faced Politicians

 

 

I sympathise with the Tory Party leader, David Cameron, and his wife Samantha, on the death of their 6 year old son, Ivan, which was announced a couple of hours ago. He had been suffering from cerebral palsy and epilepsy, and had been in and out of hospital for most of his short life. After Mr Cameron made his presence felt in the British political arena, newspapers carried a couple of news items about Ivan, but there was never very much, as the Camerons wished their private life to remain just that – private. Compare that with the hype over the past couple of weeks concerning the impending death from cancer of Jade Goody, so-called celebrity. Newspapers have had the story plastered across their front pages, making me wonder if some editors are unaware of Britain’s economic plight. I feel sorry for Jade as well, and applaud her for trying to make some money for her 5 and 4 year old boys. How much they actually get is another matter, after the newspapers, magazines, and her publicist Max Clifford have pocketed their share. Her case has certainly also raised awareness of cervical cancer, and has led to an increased number of women going for tests. However, there are thousands in the country who are dying of cancer, and who do not have that option of making piles of money to leave to their loved ones.

 

I mentioned the Home Secretary Jacqui Smith a few days ago, in connection with her refusal to acknowledge that there’s any problem with her £116,000 “second home” expenses. Whenever we hear a news bulletin, or read a paper, we have the same kind of stories. We find that British Members of the European Parliament can easily make £1 million in allowances over a single term in Brussels, Prince Andrew taking a helicopter to reopen a bridge – just a drop in the ocean, that one, at £4,000, Tory veteran Michael Ancram (personal fortune of tens of millions) claiming £50,000 towards the upkeep of his country retreat, and £170,000 being lavished on modern art to decorate the walls of Jack Straw’s department for Justice. This is the same John Whitaker Straw who was Foreign Secretary in 2001, and was a member of the Cabinet that decided to send our troops to Iraq. Now, as Secretary of State for Justice, he has used his power to veto the publication of minutes of key cabinet meeting held in the run-up to the Iraq war, after the Information Tribunal ruled last month that they should be published. What’s in those minutes that are so potentially damaging to him and to others? His arrogance is there for all to see, and I reckon that his cowardice calls for the saying, “Straw by name, straw by nature.”

It has come as no surprise to me that the police are predicting a “summer of rage” in Britain, as folk seek to get even with those who have been ripping them off, and duping them, for ages. 

Brain Scans and Ice Cream

I had to take some time off from my lucrative printing business yesterday in order to have a CT scan of the remnants of the old brain. It’s actually quite a pleasant experience – you pop your head under a kind of dome, shut your eyes to protect them from laser beams being shot at you, lie back and think of …….. well, anything, apart from England. After leaving there, I bought a paper to see how much my shares in “Counterfeit Banknotes PLC” had risen in the previous 24 hours.

 

Being well satisfied, I cast a glance at the health pages – after all, I hope to have time left in which to enjoy my hard earned moolahs. I noticed that scientists are developing a sort of helmet that fires soundwaves into the skull, which are then converted into images to show doctors what is happening deep inside the brain. This means that a stroke can be diagnosed within minutes, rather than hours, as usually happens at present. Soundwaves are fired through both temples, with each one penetrating up to 4 inches inside the skull, meaning that even clots deep inside the brain can be detected. Previous attempts at using ultrasound on the brain have largely failed because the density of the skull distorts the echo from soundwaves. I’m afraid that it wouldn’t work in the case of certain politicians, as their skulls are simply too thick.

 

On a lighter note, I read last week that penguins are able to jump as high as 6 feet in the air. As the world record currently stands at 8 feet 0.46 inches, they will have to do some serious training before the Olympics are next held in Antarctica.

 

I noticed in the same bulletin that in Kentucky, it’s illegal to carry ice cream in one’s back pocket. If someone is charged with this heinous offence, I would suggest that they do not sit down whilst in the courtroom.

Global Recession and Metal Attraction

While Britain suffers from this present recession, with a forecast of at least 3 million unemployed before it bottoms out, other countries worldwide are feeling the pinch as well. In China, exports of clothing, shoes, and toys have plummeted, mainly due to America’s difficulties. This has led to a closure of around 65,000 factories, forcing 20,000,000 workers to return to their homes in rural areas. Japan has the highest number of people on Welfare since 1965, a total of 1,600,000. This is largely due to the downturn in the electronic and automotive industries, and, as the work has dried up, many who used to stay in specially built dormitories find themselves homeless. Some sleep in parks, or if they can afford it, in all-night internet cafes. Others, ironically, pass the time in McDonalds Japan, who announced record sales of $4,440,000 in 2008. In India, some resort to sharing a coffee between two (by-two), or splitting a tea between three (cutting chai). In Canada, over 129,000 jobs were lost in January, the worst one month figure for decades. As 80% of Canadian exports go to the US, it seems likely that they will have to wait for that country’s economy to recover before they can hope for an upturn. South Africa will see 10,000 workers in its platinum mines laid off, mainly because of the slump in the global car industry, as the metal is used in catalytic converters.

 

 Amongst all this suffering and pain, I suppose we should spare a thought for Joe Lewis, a currency speculator based in a Bahamas tax haven. He had built up nearly a 10% stake in Bear Stearns, just before that institution went bust in May 2008. He subsequently lost a billion dollars of loose change, poor man.

 

This seems to have been a rare old month for Metal Attraction. By that, I’m not referring to Valentine’s Day, and the exchange of rings. No, I’m talking about collisions, and near collisions. Last midweek, we had two satellites smashing each other up in space, then today, we see video footage of a VERY near miss between a Tornado and a Tucano whilst on training exercises above the Vale of York. Not to be outdone, our mariners are at it as well. HMS Vanguard of the Royal Navy and the French Navy’s Le Triomphant scraped each other deep under the Atlantic Ocean. With both being nuclear powered and armed, along with having a total of 250 sailors on board, the possible consequences could have been disastrous. Vanguard has dents and scrapes on her hull, with Le Troimphant having damage to her sonar dome, suggesting that the British sub passed above the other one. We haven’t been told at this stage of any dialogue that passed between the two vessels, although the British might have started it off with something on the lines of, “Stop feeling my bottom, you …………!”    

 

Money, Fish, and Satellites

Bank of England governor Mervyn King has admitted that Britain has plunged so far into “deep recession” that he is having to consider printing money in an effort to kick-start the economy. Say no more – I am ready and willing to help him out. With the new printer that I bought earlier this year, and my two older ones, I can churn out banknotes at an alarming rate. I would be looking for 24% commission, and let’s say 75% of a bonus, leaving the Old Lady of Threadneedle Street with a healthy 1%. That is the kind of waste that’s been condoned over the past few years, after all. Maybe a Knighthood thrown in as well, perhaps? The mind boggles.

 

Talking of waste, I’m reminded of a story related to me a few years ago by a retired fishing skipper. Back in the 1970s, when fish of all denominations and nationalities had the good sense to frequent Scottish waters, this skipper and his crew of four were shooting their nets when he heard one of the lads shouting that his false teeth had shot overboard as well. Being an eligible bachelor (all fishermen were millionaires at that time, or pretty close to it), his smile, as well as his money, meant a lot to him as a means of attracting a suitable mate. He was distraught, and not even a couple of tots of the good old Trawler Rum could revive his spirits. The skipper, being a man not averse to the odd practical joke, hit upon an excellent short term solution, or so he thought. He took aside another member of the crew, and asked him to follow his instructions, which were to insert his (the skipper’s) false teeth into the mouth of the first big cod that came on board, then tell the unhappy lad that they’d found his molars. This was done, the lad took them out of the cod’s mouth, and, without even washing them, popped them into his own cavity. He quickly removed them, shouted that they didn’t fit, and weren’t his, and promptly threw them overboard. The skipper, needless to say, was astounded, astonished, aghast – he omitted to tell me what form of speech he used to convey his feelings to the fellow. I laughed at the time, but I must admit that I sometimes have a vision of a huge cod staring malevolently at me, whilst sporting a bottom set of dentures.  

 

Yesterday, or today, depending on whichever time zone is use in space, a Russian satellite and an American one collided 400 miles above Siberia. Scientists say that it’s the first major incident involving satellites, but aren’t sure if one of them was overtaking, or if it was a head-on crash. Lack of space has been ruled out as a possible cause.

Arrogance, Banks, and Football

What on earth is going on in the Scottish Parliament? We have Anne McLaughlin, Scottish National Party, who is to be sworn in as a list MP this week, secretly filming photos inside the building, and posting them on her blog. Although there are no firm guidelines on photographs being taken by workers in Holyrood, there ARE other things to be considered, such as respect and trust. I would think that she will not be accorded those in abundance by opposition MPs when she takes her seat. If she is voted out at a subsequent election, or decides for some reason that she would like another career, I don’t think she can depend on getting a phone call from David Bailey CBE.

 

Scottish Labour leader Iain Gray claimed yesterday that Scots could benefit from the “next stage of global economic development” if Labour policies were followed. Maybe he’s forgotten that Labour have been in charge for the past 12 years, and that a certain Mr Brown has been running  the economy, as Chancellor and now Prime Minister, when he’s not engaged in that other pursuit of his, saving the world.

In Westminster today, four disgraced members of the banking community were to be smuggled into the building to avoid having to face protests from angry workers. Those four are just some of the high flyers who managed to bring the UK’s financial services industry to its knees, but are too scared to face hard working bank employees. Having watched them on TV news bulletins, their so called apologies seemed to be rehearsed, half hearted, and insincere, and I must concur with John McFall, the committee chairman, that at the end of the meeting, they were as arrogant and unrepentant as ever. They can well afford to smirk, as the Government seems unable, or unwilling, to punish them.

 

Turning to football, we find the same kind of arrogance and incompetency coming to the surface. The guys running the Scottish Premier League have decided that the league programme for 2009-10 will begin on August 8, only days before Scotland meet Norway in Oslo in a World Cup qualifying tie. The manager, George Burley, asked that they have an earlier start to the league, and then leave the weekend before the international free, so the team could have a few extra days together. So far, they haven’t agreed to this sensible suggestion. Of course, it is not the first time that they’ve clashed – last May, Burley asked for talks to be held between the SFA and SPL over fixtures, as his first game in charge was wrecked with call-offs as it came immediately before an Old Firm game.

 

Burley himself is under scrutiny this week – he’s known for months that there was to be a Celtic-Rangers game this coming weekend, yet he arranged a get-together for the Scotland squad this week. There has been the usual spate of call-offs, and due to the freezing weather and the fact that Scotland doesn’t have one decent indoor facility, it looks as if the venture has been a waste of time. It seems to me that well paid people at the top in Scottish football arrive at decisions without giving a thought to the consequences, or the adverse effects they will have on our game.

 

A happy (or otherwise) note to end with :-- Research has shown that a bachelor is three times more likely to go mad than a married man. I tend to disagree, especially if the married man is the father of a bride-to-be, as the average price of a wedding is now £22,000.

 

 

Banks, Allowances, and Cheddar

 

Over the weekend, we have been given the glad tidings that the Royal Bank of Scotland and Lloyds TSB are to give staff at least £1billion in bonuses, despite having having received more than £25 billion in hand-outs, largely because of their ineptitude. That amount represented an average contribution to the bank of around £1,300 by each family in the UK. The banks justify their actions by saying that if they don’t reward their best employees, they will seek work elsewhere. I think it might take a while for them to get other work —  are they not aware that Britain is sinking deeper each day into recession and mass unemployment?

 

Home Secretary (should there be a “Second” in front of that “Home”?) Jacqui Smith, responsible for law enforcement in the country, has a large family home in Redditch, for which she claims a tax free payment of up to £24,000 a year, as she has designated her sister’s house as her main residence, meaning that the Redditch one is classed as her second home. Her husband and children live there, and he is paid £40,000 for the privilege of being her assistant. Ms Smith herself earns £142,000 as Home Secretary, and claimed a total of £152,000 in Commons expenses for the period 2006-07. That’s a handy £5654 a week, just a trifle more than those of us who have the option of either eating or heating.

 

A list of Britain’s Top National Wonders was released at the end of the week. It was headed by the Lake District; The Scottish Highlands made it into second place, and according to the Daily Express, Cheddar George came in third. I can only hope that his partner is partial to the bovine product as well.

 

I see that Bernard Madoff, he who made off with an estimated £35 billion, has taken to wearing a bullet-proof vest. He’s currently under house arrest at his £4 million Manhattan apartment, poor chap. I don’t think the vest should make him feel too confident about his safety, as many of those trigger happy guys who’d like to take a potshot at him would probably be aiming further south.

Britain and Christian Values

 

The case concerning a community nurse, Caroline Petrie, who was suspended for offering to pray for one of her patients is bad enough, but it is only the tip of the iceberg, as far as this country of ours is concerned. She is one of thousands of Christian workers and those of other faiths for whom prayer is a normal daily part of their lives.  It is no surprise, of course, that The National Secular Society backed the suspension of Mrs Petrie. The group, which represents the interests of atheists, agnostics and other non-religious groups, said it was inappropriate for health workers to 'evangelise'. 

 

Britain, as a nation, has lost its sense of Christian values, morals, and ethics over the past few decades. We only have to look at the increase in abortions, murders, and other violent and drug/drink related crimes to realise that we have fallen a long way from the standards of a century ago.

 

People are elected to our Parliament, often ones with limited intellect, but who have the ability to deliver glib speeches when appealing to the electorate for votes. The public’s apathy at General Elections is partly to blame for allowing some of those unsuitable individuals into the Commons.  In the Lords last week, we were reminded again of how low Britain has sunk, with the Sunday Times newspaper revealing that four peers from the governing Labour Party, including two former ministers, had agreed to help undercover reporters posing as business lobbyists to obtain amendments for between £24,000 and £120,000 a year. One of them was even recorded, claiming that it was okay to do such deals in certain circumstances.

 

Only a couple of days after those revelations, I watched a senior citizen on TV, explaining that she could only afford to boil her kettle once a day, and that she used candles at night instead of electricity. She, and thousands like her, receive less per week than our MPs claim in expenses for one day. In fact, I wonder how many of those MPs, of all parties, are content with owning or renting just the one house. Not too many, I suspect. Maybe our leaders should heed the words in Proverbs Ch. 22 v 2 – "The rich and poor meet together; the Lord is the maker of them all.”

 

I have deliberately used the name “Britain” above without the “Great”, as we have lost the right to use that as a descriptive adjective nowadays.

Paintings, Books, and Scents

Well, I suppose it had to happen sometime – the Duke of Sutherland falling on hard times. His mate over in Skye, MacLeod of MacLeod, tried to sell part of the Cuillins a few years ago, in order for the dosh to be used for the restoration of his detached house, Dunvegan Castle. If successive chiefs had spent more time in, and more money on, the building over the past couple of centuries, instead of squandering it in the hotspots of London and elsewhere, the problem would not have arisen.

 

I’m not sure what new toy the fellow in Sutherland needs at the moment, but £50,000,000 for the sale of Titian’s painting, “Diana and Actaeon” to the National Gallery and National Galleries of Scotland should keep him going for a while. In our present economic climate, it seems immoral to be spending that amount of money on one painting. Supporters of the transaction maintain that the Duke is being generous, as he is selling it for roughly a third of its value. If he was truly being generous, he would give it to the nation for nothing, as his family were responsible for some of the most cruel evictions of the 19^th century, replacing people with sheep. The estate records show that evictions at the rate of 2,000 families in one day were not uncommon. With no shelter remaining for the cleared families many starved and froze to death where their homes had once been.The Marquis of Stafford, who became the 1^st Duke of Sutherland in 1832, had an income of £300,000 annually from the Stafford estates alone, and that, along with the money he amassed in Sutherland at the cost of so much human misery and suffering, is what enabled the family to  obtain this painting and other artefacts.

Elizabeth, the Duchess of Sutherland, on seeing the starving tenants on her husband's estate, remarked in a letter to a friend in England, "Scotch people are of happier constitution, and do not fatten like the larger breed of animals." The whole thing leaves an unpleasant stench somehow.

 

Talking of unpleasant odours, a philosophy student in Erasmus University, Rotterdam, has won a 10 year legal battle to be allowed the right to attend lectures again. He had been banned from doing so because of complaints from professors and other students about his “smelly feet”. He’ll probably graduate with an Honours degree, as he’s had quite a lot of spare time in which to think.

 

Finally, I reckon that a person in Sweden didn’t bother reading the book that he released back to the library after a spell of 37 years. It was called “an Essay on Liberation”.

 

London Grinds to a Halt

Shock! Horror! London had 5 inches of snow yesterday, and it shouldn’t have happened, as it wasn’t Christmas day. Even then, 1 inch will do, thank you. One in five folk didn’t make it into work, with even all the bus services cancelled. Their hard working Mayor, Boris Johnson (should there be a Yeltsin there somewhere?), suggested that a lot more could have made the effort, telling us that he managed to cycle in. Does he not know that loads of workers in the capital do not live round the corner from their place of work, but have to commute from miles around?

 

Anyway, I’m reminded that in the Highlands of Scotland, when we used to have 6 foot high drifts in the fifties, sixties, and seventies, we used things called shovels when there were no snowploughs available, and managed to make it to work. If it was icy, we used chains on the wheels, and got to work that way. 5 inches of snow? That’s a light covering, for goodness sake. It was –20 degrees in Moscow yesterday, but things went on as normal. It seems that some local authorities are simply not geared up to cope with weather that is not the norm.

 

The saying, "Making a mountain out of a molehill" springs to mind, and it reminds me of a fellow I knew years ago, who claimed to be having a massive heart attack each time that he broke wind from either end.

That Was The Week That Wasn’t

Well, it wasn’t a week to be fondly remembered in Scotland by either Dundee United fans, or by the Scottish Nationalist Party, with both sets being involved in draws that didn’t end in draws at the end of the day, if you catch my drift. United managed to keep the score level with Celtic in their CIS semi-final tie until after extra time, but succumbed to an 11-10 defeat in the penalty shootout. The Nationalists failed to get their Budget through Parliament, as the parties were level, with 64 votes for, and 64 against. This meant that the Presiding Officer, Alex Fergusson, had to cast his deciding vote against, as protocol required that he go for the status quo. If it does not go through at the second attempt, the government will be forced to resign – this prompted the quote from Alex Salmond that the normal thing then would be to have an election. Actually, it would be up to Labour, the second largest party, to try and form a coalition –if they failed to do so, then that would force a fresh election. It actually requires a two-thirds majority of the Scottish Parliament to call one.

IT hasn't been the best of weeks for Mr Salmond. He's been on about Homecoming 2009 for months now, but it was revealed last week that tourist chiefs sent unplayable DVDs across the Pond to market the event. As most people are aware, DVD players have regional restrictions, and discs made in Europe will not work in Canada or the United States. Ah well, they can always take them back, and send them to the ex-pats in Poland.

We’ve had plenty of Polish workers over here for a while now, without any major problems. That was probably partly due to the fact that their unskilled workers were willing to carry out jobs that British workers were unwilling to do for the same wage, and that their skilled workers were very good at their own trades. However, we now have a different problem, with protests and strikes across the UK, prompted by a decision to bring in hundreds of Italian and Portuguese contractors to work on a new £200m plant at the Lindsey oil refinery, in North Lincolnshire. Unions claim Britons were not given any opportunity to apply for the posts.

Gordon Brown’s spokesman said the government would hold talks with the construction industry in the next few days "to ensure they are doing all they can to support the UK economy". When asked about the growing unrest, Brown - speaking from the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland - said he "understood" people's worries.

In an interview with the BBC's Politics Show the Prime Minister condemned those threatening wildcat strikes, saying "that's not the right thing to do and it's not defensible." He also said that when he had talked about British jobs for British workers (2007, in his first speech to the Labour Party as its leader) he was referring to "giving them the skills" so that they could get jobs that were going to foreigners. Whatever the rights and wrongs in this present situation, the British workers who are wanting, and willing to do, those jobs actually have the necessary skills

He (Mr Brown) is having talks today with his Chinese counterpart in order to encourage further trade links between the two countries. I would suggest that any agreement between the two will be mostly one way traffic, as China has plenty to export, but Britain has very little. Ah so!