Ye Cannae Shove a Doggy Aff a Bus!

Just had a chinwag with the old geezer himself, Mr Claus – he's just covered Greece, and is now doing a few stops in Turkey, where he'll probably get accosted by the usual hooligans in the football fraternity there. He's quite relaxed about coming to the UK in a couple of hours time, as his sleds are bursting at the seams with the stuff that the councils crave – salt. A lot of the afore mentioned bodies were taken by surprise last year when we had the unexpected heavy snowfalls, and quickly ran out of salt for our roads. Lessons were learned, or so we were told. Plenty of salt ordered for this year? Yes, of course, we were told! However, some councils have announced that they will be rationing salt next week, will use more grit instead, and will have the gritting lorries out for fewer hours than previously. Are they using some of it in cooking their over sized birds over Christmas?

When S.C. reaches Glasgow, I would expect to see Tommy Sheridan waiting for him, in order to collect the few packets of porridge oats that he ordered, so as to get used to them before he moves into one of Her Majesty's cells next month, if press reports are to be believed. I'm sure we can now rely on the press to tell us the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth – after all, it WAS Tommy who was found guilty of perjury yesterday. His performance in court on Tuesday was just about good enough to merit an Oscar, when he pleaded with the jury not to convict him, as he might have to spend Christmas apart from his wife and daughter. It wasn't the jury, the police, or the prosecution that's left him in his present situation – simply his own arrogance. He thought that folk could still be swayed by emotion, and not by fact – he was proved wrong.

The official ring belonging to the head of the Church of Scotland was stolen in a break-in at his home. Moderator of the General Assembly, Right Reverend John Christie, woke on Christmas Eve to find the front door of his Helensburgh home open, and the ceremonial ring gone. Thieves also stole Christmas gifts and other belongings including a wallet. I heard Rev Christie on radio this afternoon, asking that seeing it was Christmas time, the thief could hand the stuff back in the spirit of peace and goodwill etc. Maybe that would have happened if he had offered the culprit the offer of calling round for a nice slice of cake and a large glass of another kind of spirit. All take, and no give, it seems.

Scots should consider Isle of Arran cheese and Stornoway Black Pudding on their Christmas menu to cut down on food miles, according to the SNP. Nationalist MEP Alyn Smith has backed the National Farmers Union Scotland's 'What's On Your Plate' campaign, calling on shoppers to use local produce over the festive period. He said: "We have world-class produce in Scotland. Now is a particularly good time to remind Scots of the fantastic Scottish produce available.” Pity he forgot to give that advice to the party members in the Western Isles, who enjoyed their St Andrew's Night curry bash in Bangla Spice in Stornoway.

A little lost dog boarded a bus by himself and refused to leave as temperatures plunged to minus 11C. The frozen Cairn terrier, named Claus, was found cowering on the bus in the west end of Glasgow with icicles hanging from his fur. Passengers were astounded when the dog, aged about eight years old, boarded the First bus when it stopped on Dumbarton Road on Wednesday. He was so cold he found a warm spot in the corner and curled up. I suppose the “Grannie” song could be adapted:--
Oh, ye cannae shove a doggie aff a bus; Oh, ye cannae shove a doggie aff a bus; Ye cannae shove a doggy, he might be yer pal Shuggie's, Nae, ye cannae shove a doggie aff a bus.
Happy eating, everyone!

Have YOU Had Your First Senior Moment Yet?

Not much happening on the political front over the past few days, although it was nice to hear that the opposition leader in Myanmar, Aung San Suu Kyi, was released from house arrest on Saturday, after being detained for a total of 15 out of the past 21 years. Of course, if she tries to push her activism too far, and too fast, the military regime there would have no qualms about having her silenced, and incarcerated again. It should remind us in the west of the privilege that we have here in that we have free speech, which has been passed on to us because of the sacrifices made by our forefathers. We should certainly make use of those privileges, especially while our minds and memories are still active, and capable of lucid thought!

As I've now passed the three score mark in terms of years spent on the planet, I've gone through my apprenticeship in Senior Moments, or temporary amnesia, as some may prefer to call it. I can easily remember events of 50 years ago – the first stolen turnip from the neighbour's croft, the first stolen kiss – there was no difference in taste, as she had been partaking of raw turnip as well. Anyway, nowadays, I sometimes forget my best friend's name, or what programme I watched on telly last night. I am sometimes scared of what I'm going to say, and scared of the fact that I might have to stop talking altogether by the time I'm 70 – some have resorted to doing exactly that, just to be on the safe side. Some have turned to pills, believing all the hype about some tablets with natural ingredients etc. that can reverse this memory loss by increasing the blood flow to the brain.

All bunkum, I reckon! Most of our ancestors seemed to retain their memories well into their 80s and beyond, so why has our capability to do so disappeared? I don't reckon that the blood flow to the upper regions of our body has anything to do with it – it is just that in the past fifty years or so, most folk have been in schools, colleges etc. for longer than our forefathers were, thus leaving our brains with hundreds or even thousands of more facts crammed into them. In our History classes, we had dates rammed into us – remember 1066 (Battle of Hastings), 1215 (Magna Carta first issued), 1492 (Columbus landed in the Bahamas), 1914 (Outbreak of First World War)? In Geography lessons, we had to cope with an increasing number of names, as countries fought each other, overran each others' lands, which inevitably resulted in new names being given to those lands, thus leaving our brains with even more information to take on board. This was true in respect of most subjects, leaving our memories with far too much to cope with. Unlike computers, us humans cannot just add more memory capabilities when we want to. The only solution is to make more room for new information that is fed to us, which means that we should ditch all the useless stuff that has accumulated over the years. All those dates, the older names for countries, names of folk you never see anymore etc. should be ditched immediately. We should make some room for today's snippets of information to have some more storage space.

Of course, a lot of us have wasted our energy in our earlier years by beating around the bush, jumping to conclusions, trying to climb the success ladder, bending over backwards, making mountains out of molehills, and so on. Those needless exertions and worries are bound to have an adverse effect on our grey matter in later years. Having said that, so called senior moments are not necessarily the domain of the older generation. I happened to have an appointment with a doctor, 20 years my junior, a few months ago, and asked him to renew my prescription for a cream that I use to help alleviate arthritis pain. He said that he was going to give me tablets instead, as they were more effective in his opinion, and that he really couldn't understand why I'd been prescribed cream in the first instance. After looking through some notes, he matter of factly said to me, “Oh, I see that it was myself who suggested you have cream in the first place.” Years before that, whilst I was bricklaying, I had an apprentice joiner working with me for a few days, renovating a house. We only had 2 ladders on the job, and I recall a certain morning that I was using one of them to get materials up to the scaffold, when I heard him calling me, asking me if I knew where the other ladder was. It was difficult for me to explain to him, whilst keeping a straight face, that he was standing on it! Only last week, I had a new washing machine installed, but unfortunately the valve connecting the hose to the outside pipe was damaged, resulting in no water getting through, and so I had to phone a plumber. I got a hold of a guy who I guessed was in his forties, explained the situation, and got told that they were very busy, and that it might be a few days before they could send someone out to fix it – I was then asked if it was urgent. As my friends know, I am usually a patient fellow, so I calmly replied replied that I found that the laundry invariably seemed to turn out better if there was water in the machine. There was no reply – I think he was contemplating his first junior senior moment.

I think it's time to make a dignified exit, as my mind has started to wonder about how rabbits know which burrow to make for – they all look alike to me (the bunnies and their burrows).

Time, Sandwiches, and Sarah Palin

It's been over a month now since I've added some words of wisdom to this blog, partly because of the lack of proper internet facilities in the hospital, but mostly because of the fact that I was too tired to concentrate. However, it has reinforced my belief that time is really what we make of it as individuals – a year ago last night, I celebrated my 60th birthday with my family and some friends; last night, I celebrated again, and reflected on the 365 days that have elapsed in the space of that year – because of my illness and the various treatments I've undergone, the year seems to have passed in a flash. On the other hand, if I'd been in touch with someone of the Brahan Seer's stature on the 4th of November 2009, and he'd have foretold what I was to endure over the future months, I'd probably have felt that every day was a burden, and longer than the day before. Anyway, last night was a cause for real celebration, as I'd promised myself that I was determined to have a few more birthdays annoying my grandchildren with my typical old man's eccentricities.

Back to the seedy world of politics, where we have a Labour MP and former Immigration Minister, Phil Woolas, being thrown out of Parliament and his Party for breaking electoral law by making up damaging allegations about his main General Election opponent. I seem to recall that he was the one who submitted all sorts of claims for expenses, including panty liners, tampons, and nappies although the rules stated that personal items such as toiletries were not allowed, nor were items bought for anyone else, including family members. I also remember reading in a newspaper that “Mr Woolas rose to the rank of Immigration Minister in October 2008”. Well, I think we're all aware of the fact that some objects of a disagreeable nature rise to the top.

Other whingeing MPs are furious that the price of food and drink in the House of Commons has risen after the public subsidy was cut. This, despite the fact that many meals, such as shoulder of lamb at £2.95 and steamed fish with egg noodles at £3.90 are seen by the majority of the public as being cheap. It seems that their biggest beef is to do with a new £15 flat fee for up to 3 courses in the dining room overlooking the Thames. They seem to conveniently forget the fact that they can claim £15 for dinner if the House sits after 7.30pm. Like many thousands of others, I went to work in all sorts of weather for over 30 years with only a packed lunch to keep me going, so I'm sure it could sustain them as well, especially in their comfortable heated rooms and offices. Of course, on second thoughts, that would be rather a daft idea, as it would cost the taxpayer much more – they would each probably have to hire someone to cook eggs, ham etc. for the sandwiches, and possibly a French butler to spread the Danish butter on the Belgian bread.

Across the Pond, and it seems that a certain George W. Bush believes that Sarah Palin spoiled the Republican party's 2008 election campaign. He has criticised John McCain for picking her as his running mate that year, and is of the opinion that she is not qualified for such a post. It's rather difficult for most of us to suss out Ms Palin's aims or objectives – she has been heard to say that she would like limited government. What exactly does she mean by this? Is it some sort of government that will be limited by her own limited abilities? I think it's time for my sleeping draught, or have I taken it already?

Miliband, Trump, and the Lav-Nav

Ed Miliband’s speech to the Labour Party Conference on Tuesday could hardly have instilled even his most ardent supporters with too much confidence. Granted, he’s only been leader for three days but he took the easy option of walking a tightrope between advocating responsible policies, and trying at the same time to avoid upsetting his union backers.

It was easy for him to state that it was wrong for Britain to go to war with Iraq in 2003—we can never tell how he would have voted at the time, as he wasn’t elected as an MP until two years later.His two-faced and ruthless approach to politics can be gauged from the fact that he managed to talk his brother David out of launching a coup to oust Gordon Brown – he knew that David had every chance of succeeding, which would have scuppered his own chances of becoming leader, for a few years, anyway. By appealing to left wing activists and trade unionists, he knew that he had a better than even chance of defeating his brother in the ballot for the leadership. David’s wife Louise understandably views his behaviour in the past few months as a betrayal, as do many MPs and party members. It is difficult to see how he can unite his MPs in the months ahead. Of course, in Scotland, things are different, as he is viewed as a saviour by the Labour MSPs there, due to his leanings towards the left. They reckon that their vote will rise dramatically in next year’s Holyrood election. However, they tend to forget that the SNP are more leftist than right wing as well – as everyone knows, one of those parties will end up with the highest number of votes, leaving a lot of disillusioned voters who prefer other parties, but realising that their vote would be wasted, will vote for one of those two. Most of those will not want to see a Labour administration in Edinburgh, so will put their ‘X’ opposite the SNP candidate.

I see that Donald Trump is to receive an honorary degree from Aberdeen’s Robert Gordon University. Ex-University boss Dr David Kennedy is furious at the decision, and is sending his own honorary degree back. He points out that there are many entrepreneurs in Aberdeen who are much more worthy of the honour. It’s a sad day for British educational establishments when they bestow honours according to a man’s wealth, rather than any worthwhile achievements of his.

A mother of one from Easter Ross in Scotland has been found guilty of benefit fraud, by claiming a total of £17,000 for 11 children who didn’t exist – she did NOT claim money for the one real child – maybe she forgot that he/ she existed. Some of the dates that she had down as the children’s birth dates were within a few months of each other, which suggests either a lack of scrutiny on the office staff’s part, or lack of knowledge of the human gestation period. The sheriff remarked, “It is quite appalling how one can claim to have this number of children when they don’t exist. It was something you did knowingly.” Quite! What words of wisdom from the beak!

With the Ryder Cup getting underway yesterday, it was heartening to hear of a hole in one – in fact quite a few holes in one, as the United States’ team waterproofs “did not repel the water” according to the American PGA.

A new device called a Lav-Nav is to help guide boozed up guys in the toilet to hit the target. When the seat is up, it uses the latest in sensory technology to shine a red light into the bowl with a target for the blokes to aim at. It makes me wonder if the inventors of this contraption have ever been a bit, let’s say sloshed, themselves. If they had been, they would know that having had a few too many, the aim would definitely be a few degrees to port or starboard of the red light!

Jumbites: Labour Party leader and Aliens

Jumbites: Labour Party leader and Aliens: "So Red Ed is not dead after all, but very much alive and kicking, after he came from behind on Saturday to beat his brother David in the Lab..."

Labour Party leader and Aliens

So Red Ed is not dead after all, but very much alive and kicking, after he came from behind on Saturday to beat his brother David in the Labour Party leadership election by just 1.3%. David had more support from MPs and party activists, but Ed won through thanks mainly to the votes of union members.

One of his first tasks was to try and rubbish Tories’ claims that he was now in the unions’ pockets. However, they (the unions) will undoubtedly consider him as THEIR man, and will demand their pound of flesh somewhere down the line. He will discover that it’s rather difficult to appese them whilst trying to keep some of his MPs happy as well. He also informed the media yesterday that since his election on Saturday afternoon, folk have been joining the Labour ranks at the rate of one per minute. That’s 1,440 a day; 10,080 a week, or over one million new members within two years. Surely those new members, along with the existing party faithful, should be enough to see him safely into No 10 at the next election, as long as he remembers to bow the knee to the bigger unions as well, of course.

I see that trainee nurses are now to attend lectures on how to listen to patients, and show compassion towards them. Now, maybe I come from a bygone age, but I was led to believe that kindness and compassion towards their fellow beings was part and parcel of a nurse’s job. Indeed, we were told that it was more of a calling for them, and not so much of a job. The scheme has been added to the nursing student curriculum at Edinburgh’s Napier University following a £1 million, 3 year survey of patients, relatives, and nursing students sponsored by Ann Gloag, Stagecoach tycoon and former nurse. It seems ironic that the money was given by a woman who went to court, and successfully managed to get the public banned from part of her Kinfauns Castle estate in Perthshire. Is that the type of compassion that she had whilst a nurse, and is it the kind of attitude that she would like the student nurses to have?

Hundreds of bird watchers have flocked to Norfolk to catch a glimpse of a yellow-bellied flycatcher, which has been spotted for the first time in Europe. The 5 inch bird, which usually migrates to Mexico and Central America, is obviously no coward, as it has landed up to 4,000 miles off course. Maybe it just got fed up of going to the same bogs over there each year, and has heard that one can get around here fairly easily using Ryanair.

Talking of flights, and folk who are involved in such, it is being reported that the UN is to appoint a space ambassador to act as the first point of contact with any aliens who want to make contact with us after landing on our planet. They are set to give the job to Mazlan Othman, a Malaysian astrophysicist, who is currently head of the little known Office for Outer Space Affairs. Presumably, they will be intellectually more advanced than us, and to save room in their craft, they will probably be sent by their leaders as individual sort of flatpacks, to be assembled on touching down here. I would imagine that their first words might be, “ Greetings, Madame Othman, we come in pieces”.

Jumbites: Healthcare in UK

Jumbites: Healthcare in UK: "Having been getting cancer treatment for the past 15 weeks, and having had an operation a couple of weeks prior to that, I was interested to..."

Healthcare in UK

Having been getting cancer treatment for the past 15 weeks, and having had an operation a couple of weeks prior to that, I was interested to read in a newspaper article today that when it comes to most types of cancer care, the UK is well below average compared to other developed countries. In fact, in every major cancer, survival chances in Britain are lower than in other advanced European countries. There are various reasons which, when taken together, account for this second rate service. In France, for example, it would be unacceptable to have a cancer patient wait for more than a week between diagnosis and treatment, whereas in Britain, much longer waits are not unusual. The latest drugs are used far more quickly in Europe, and the average use of drugs introduced there is three times higher than in the UK, according to a survey by the Swedish Karolinska Institute. We also have a shortage of modern radiotherapy equipment; a survey of radiologists has shown that three out of four patients who would have benefited from from the use of the most advanced radiotherapy were treated, instead, with old machines. This was brought home to me yesterday – I was meant to be having my first shot of radiotherapy, but having gone in for my appointment, I was told that the machine was out of order, and would not be up and running till the following day. Older technology, of course, means more damage is done to healthy tissue.

This below standard of treatment of cancer patients in Britain is sadly also reflected in the relatively poor treatment of other diseases. We has fewer doctors per thousand of population than other advanced countries, fewer hospital beds for acute care, fewer CT scanners, and only a fraction of the numbers of MRI scanners in say, Austria or Finland. Having said that, I’m sure that many thousands of other patients will agree with me that the nursing staff are excellent, carrying out difficult tasks during their long shifts, although being hampered by having to deal with mounds of paperwork. This is true throughout hospitals in this country – for example, one survey has shown that in operating theatres, less than half the time scheduled for operations was actually used for surgery. Instead, vast amounts of time were spent on administration work.

Of course, it was revealed earlier on this week that more than 9,000 public sector workers in Britain are earning more than the Prime Minister (£142,500), and 38,000 earning above £100,000, with the NHS having the highest number of high earners (more than 26,000 on more than £100,000). If this coalition government really wants to be taken seriously, they should cut back on some of those jobs, and on the salaries, with extra money being given to frontline services, so that the UK could be seen again as a country that cares for those who DO need care.

After the expenses scandal at Westminster last year, it seems that MSPs north of the border still like to buy the odd item with what amounts to being the taxpayer’s money. Enterprise Minister Jim Mather claimed £403 for a number of books, probably not to do with thrift, and Alex Salmond, the First Minister, was short of £180 for a new bookcase, which will presumably be filled with weighty tomes someday. His Justice Minister, Kenny MacAskill, has managed to obtain extra panic buttons for his office at a cost of £2,200, as well as further running costs of £550 a year. Of course, it can be argued that his ‘soft touch’ justice policies put the rest of us, the great Scottish public, at increased risk of violence, but I’m afraid that we’ll have to do with using a squeaky toy out of the local cornershop if we’re being attacked and need to draw attention to ourselves.

Workers at Tunnocks of Uddingston, whose caramel logs and wafers, along with other well known biscuits, are world famous, are set to go on strike next Thursday and Tuesday after rejecting a pay offer of 2%. For those of us who love one or other of their chocolate titbits, let’s hope that this proves to be a storm in a teacake, and that it won’t be allowed to snowball.

Salmond, Pets, and Frenchmen

Doubts have been raised over whether the Westminster Coalition Government will press ahead with the £5 billion plan to build 2 aircraft carriers in Rosyth, and on the Clyde. About 10,000 defence jobs could be at risk, and Scotland’s First Minister, Alex Salmond, had publicly called for all Holyrood parties to take part in discussions aimed at safeguarding those jobs. The talks will go ahead on Monday, but minus the wanderer Mr Salmond, who will be in Bilbao instead, meeting senior executives of Spanish energy giants Iberdrola, owners of Scottish Power. He is expected to make what a spokesman described as “a significant announcement on wave energy development.” Could he not make that announcement in Scotland, or is the attraction of paella, chorizo, and aguardiente proving too much for him?

A survey by the People’s Dispensary for Sick Animals has found that 71% of pets are overweight. This shouldn’t surprise us, as half of all owners admit giving their pets takeaways, with fish and chips and curries being top of the list. 8 out of 10 owners say that they feed their pets anything from ice cream to duck breast and even after-dinner mints. It seems a terrible reflection on our society that even during a recession, some folk choose to pamper their animals in a way that actually harms their health, while thousands of families struggle to afford one wholesome meal per day.

6 months ago, nearly 50% of French men claimed in a poll that they were the world’s best lovers. Now, another poll has shown that there is something seriously wrong with 75% of relationships in the land of the Eiffel Tower. We should have suspected that there was a flaw in the first survey, as they’d also said that they were the most intelligent males in Europe, and – wait for it – the funniest. Ha ha, indeed!

That brilliant man, Albert Einstein, was three and a half years old when he spoke his first words, complaining that his milk was too hot. Until then, his parents were of the opinion that he was severely retarded, so they were naturally delighted at this turn of events, and asked him why he hadn’t spoken before then. He answered that he hadn’t needed to up till then, as everything around him had been running smoothly. Enough said!

The Wrong Amount of Sleep

The ballot for the leadership of the Labour Party began last week, but with 5 MPs up for election, including the 2 Milliband brothers, it seems pretty low key. Even the press, who usually have their finger on the public pulse, seem to think so, as they don’t seem to use up many column inches regarding it. The Party would expect about 60-80% of the postal ballot papers to be filled in, going by past elections, but of course, the fact that Tony Blair’s biography, “A Journey” was released last week as well might have a bearing on how fast folk will fill in their papers, who they will vote for, or indeed, if they will bother to scribble their Xs. His book was below 50th place in Amazon’s bestseller list a fortnight ago, but has moved into 7th place since it was announced that proceeds from the book will be given to the Royal British Legion. I’m not sure who the guru was who persuaded him to give up that lovely dosh, but it was a shrewd move, as he certainly didn’t want to be embarrassed by being a former PM whose books were being used for other purposes, rather than for being perused by us, the gullible British public. My heart bleeds for poor Cherie, thinking of all the outfits and makeovers that she’ll miss out on, because of the hardship. It is hard to believe that the following quote came from his lips – “Mine is the first generation able to contemplate the possibility that we may live our entire lives without going to war or sending our children to war.”

The former British Prime Minister, started promisingly enough, but his abiding legacy after his ten years of leadership was probably going to War in Iraq. The day he resigned as Prime Minister he also gave up being an MP (never having liked the House of Commons or Britain anyway hence spending most of his time as leader abroad or covering foreign matters) and was appointed, perhaps ironically, a peace envoy. The mind boggles. When he went to Dublin last Saturday, he was pelted with shoes and eggs, and he has now cancelled another book signing which was due to take place in a branch of Waterstone's in London on Wednesday. The man responsible for sending our troops to the frontline is evidently scared of being faced with a few protesters. Maybe something is finally beginning to register up top.

Further north, and the equally silver tongued Alex Salmond has given up on the idea of tabling a bill on an independence referendum before the next election, despite his repeated promises over the past three and a half years. The usual bullish Mr Salmond seems to have lost his nerve this time – in fact, he looks as if he's emulated the Grand Old Duke of York, who marched his men to the top of the hill, only to march them down again. Mr Salmond says that independence will be the central theme of the Nationalists' electoral campaign. In other words, the election would effectively act as the referendum that he has ditched because he knew that the SNP would lose it. That seems like a very warped way of thinking to me. Of course, if Labour grab power next May, then it will be open warfare between Edinburgh and London, that is while the Coalition parties are running Westminster. There is some cooperation between them and Salmond, but there would probably be no proper dialogue between a governing Labour Party in Scotland and Cameron.

David Cameron, the Tory leader, and of course, new dad, seems to have some rather odd bedfellows besides his good lady, Samantha. He entered into a coalition with the LibDems, which looks to be on shaky ground at times, and some of his close aides seem to attract trouble, including Andy Coulson, Downing Street's head of communications, and who used to be the editor of the “News of the World” at the time its reporters were allegedly hacking into the mobile phone messages of celebrities and members of the Royal Family. Many a better man than Mr Cameron have been forced out of office because of those they trusted to have around them.

On a lighter note, I see that scientists are at it again in the great sleep debate. I remember reading that Maggie Thatcher got by with 5 hours sleep, but for most people that amount of sleep could present a serious hazard to the heart, along with helping to bring on other ailments, such as colds, obesity, dementia, and some types of cancer. I hasten to add that the so called sleep experts do not recommend a certain amount of sleep time for us all, but that there is a certain amount of time that is most beneficial for each individual. One such expert, Professor Jim Horne of Loughborough University, claims that one of the most effective ways of getting off to sleep is to do a jigsaw. Well, I find it difficult to work with a jigsaw on a completely flat surface, so to try to fit the pieces while it is perched on my knobbly knees seems to be a non-starter. I wonder if he recommends jigsaws with sheep in the picture, or did he just have a bad dream.

Apres Hospital Rantings

There’s been 8 weeks since I’ve written anything on this blog, mainly due to the fact that I’m spending a lot of time in hospital, and the rest of it in relatives’ homes, so as to afford me some rest while I have my 2 weeks’ respite. Everyone has been great to me over the past while, both while I’ve cooled down at my relations’ pads, and while I’m getting treatment in the hospital, usually over 5 days at a time. The care lavished on myself and the other patients is second to none, from consultants, doctors, nurses, and all the other folk needed to provide auxiliary services. There’s a feeling of camaraderie between staff and patients, something like an unspoken feeling that by everyone pulling together, each patient is going to wipe the floor with his or her disease. I was rather wary when I had to go in on 1st June for the first time, in order to undergo an operation, but 14 weeks on, and it just seems like a few days. Although I’d like for now to thank all those who have helped me over the past while, I’ll keep their champagne on ice until I walk out of there, knowing that together, we’ve triumphed!

I had a brief look at a couple of newspapers this morning, and see that George Galloway, he once of the Labour Party, then the left wing Respect Party (what a misnomer!) is still getting quite a few extra pounds into his over sized wallet by writing for the Daily Record. With his usual humility, he praises himself for having refused £200,000 to appear in the “Ultimate Big Brother” house. Maybe the milk in the cat’s dish was not to his liking the last time. I was actually more interested in a smaller article that he penned, bemoaning the fact that there are so many presenters etc from the Highlands and Islands on BBC Scotland radio and TV. It doesn’t seem to have crossed his mind that maybe they are there because they can actually do their job. I am fiercely proud of my roots in the north of Scotland, and I find his remarks very offensive, especially when he remarks that maybe BBC Scotland should relocate to Stornaway (he didn’t even bother to check his spelling –should he be classed as a journalist?), as some of the staff must be homesick. Over 2 World Wars, the Highlands and Islands have had the biggest percentage of folk serving for their country than anywhere else in the UK – they didn’t have time to get homesick then, and they certainly don’t feel homesick nowadays, after having travelled just a few miles down the road. Of course, the overfed George has quite a few places to be homesick for, such as Iraq, Palestine, and Afghanistan.

While sitting out in the glorious sunshine earlier on in the afternoon, my mind wandered somewhat, remembering odd things like gaffes that had been included in CVs, such as not using punctuation correctly, hence some classics like “I am interested in cooking dogs and interesting people.” It also reminded me of some press clippings that I’d stored in a folder some time ago, so I thought it was time to unearth a couple of them --
Concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
“Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.”
From The Derby Abbey Community News:
“We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce.”
Norway
Norwegian business consultant Hendrik Pedersen worked for 13 years on a book about Norwegian economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder. Time to make a quick exit, I think, in case I lose everything as well.

Daft Rules and Regulations

Whilst attending hospital last week, and waiting to see a doctor, I happened to in quite a pleasant waiting room, where an assistant made sure that we had plenty of coffee, tea, juice etc. brought to us; there was also a large plate on a table in front of us with biscuits, shortbread and such, waiting to be scoffed. As I was unable to eat, my attention and eyes tended to wander, and finally alighted on a notice that was fixed to the wall opposite me. It read, “Relatives and friends of patients are not allowed to eat”. There was nothing else -- no qualifying statement -- just those ten words. It seemed that all my poor friends and relations, and indeed, those of other patients, are destined for a future devoid of any sustenance. Of course, it was written in order to deter others from eating the patients’ goodies, but it was badly written, and the writer obviously didn’t bother to read it again before having it printed. I have mentioned stupid laws in a couple of my posts before now, and this incident set me going again, this time having a look at some of the more idiotic laws worldwide.

For instance, you are not allowed to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle in Alabama, but if you are driving, sighted or unsighted, in Massachusetts, make sure that you do not have a gorilla in the back seat, as that’s a definite no-no. I’m not sure if you’re allowed to have one keeping you company in the front seat or not. Birthday suits seem to be taboo in quite a few places -- for instance, it’s an offence to shower naked in Florida, or to sleep naked in Minnesota, while you can also run foul of the law in the latter place by crossing their state lines with a duck on your head. I would reckon that you could bypass the first law by using the duck.

We all know that the French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, surrounds himself with short people sometimes, as well as having a custom built lectern with an inbuilt footstool, as he is so sensitive about his lack of inches. It seems that the vanity issue with French leaders goes back quite a few years though, as it is still illegal in that country to name a pig “Napoleon”. It seems that in Switzerland you are not allowed to flush toilets after 10pm, although I presume it’s okay to yodel away to your heart’s content. In Israel, it’s illegal to dress or undress with the light switched on. I’m not sure how I’d get on if I was looking for a pair of matching socks.

Back home, Nick Clegg has asked the public to nominate laws and regulations that they would like to see abolished. There are still so many of them on the Statute Books, but I just picked out a few at random. At the moment , it is illegal to die in the House of Commons, so quite often we can look at Parliament in action on our screens, and are faced with the spectacle of the living dead -- the MPs are obviously sticking to the rules. Of course, you can also be charged if you fail to report a grey squirrel in your garden -- I’m not sure what I’m meant to do if I spot one in my lounge. Then there is the rule stating that you cannot enter the hull of the Titanic without permission from the Secretary of State. That’s why it’s always handy to have Willie Hague’s phone number in your wallet or handbag, just in case you were passing the aforementioned vessel, and felt like paying an impromptu visit.

Whilst researching some of the nonsensical trivia above, I decided that my interest from now on should be in current affairs, as I cannot see any future whatsoever in being a historian.

Starvation Army and England's Woes

As some of my readers might be aware of, I will be in Inverness on and off for the next few months, in order to have some of my bodywork seen to. I have not been able to eat solid foods for a couple of months now, but I have plenty of high energy drinks with which to fill the tank. For that, I am very thankful, especially when I see, or hear about, millions out there who are starving each and every day.

My daily food regime, however, has reminded me of a landlady with whom I stayed in this very city over 20 years ago, when it was still modestly referred to as a town. She is no longer with us – she has passed on, not due to starvation in her case, I might add, although some of her lodgers could easily have become the subjects of obituaries at an early age, because of the lack of proper food on their plates.

If cornflakes were asked for at breakfast time, I think she counted them in to the bowl, and as she could only count up to the number of fingers she had, and the milk seemed to evaporate before it hit the bowl, it meant rather empty stomachs. Well, there was always the ensuing fry-up to look forward to. She had been brought up during the War years, when rations were the norm, and maybe she hadn’t been informed that they had been done away with; that there was plenty of food to be had. Anyway, she used to fill the plate with half an egg, half of a small tomato, a thimbleful of baked beans, some kind of bacon rind, and a slice of see-through black pudding. I did see a gentleman come down to breakfast one morning carrying a pair of binoculars, but it turned out that he was going to use them for bird watching, and not to make it easier for him to find things on the plate. You won’t be surprised to discover that I still blame her for the lack of hairs on my chest.

There was a certain game on in South Africa yesterday where the so called English Lions were thoroughly tamed by their German counterparts. I am not going to gloat about it, but I have to say that some of the English players, throughout the tournament, have been abysmal, and a huge letdown to their fans, most of whom have had to save huge amounts of money over the past 4 years in order to cheer them on. Those players do not think of themselves as footballers anymore, but as celebrities – pulling on their country’s shirt is an irrelevance to them; in fact, an irritation, to be got out of the way as soon as possible, so that they can get on with holidays and with more sponsorship deals. They behaved like adolescents since arriving in South Africa, some of them rebelling against their coach, Capello, and others moaning about being bored in the camp (the best in the place, incidentally). They are simply overpaid, arrogant mediocrities. Meanwhile, Capello has played a blinder, having negotiated a new deal with the FA in the past few weeks which guarantees him millions of pounds even if they sack him today. The FA have again shown themselves to be thoroughly incompetent in having agreed to those terms with him. The media seem to blame everyone, but maybe they should take a hard look at themselves first – they hyped up the players as the “Golden Generation” of English footballers, when “leaden” seems to be a more appropriate adjective.

I suppose I should really thank the players, though, for making it to South Africa, as the amount of emails flooding into my inbox, and texts on to my mobile are sufficient to keep me laughing for the next month or so. Thanks, guys!

Post Election Blues

There have been two things fluctuating every hour in Britain over the past few days – the volcanic dust cloud from Iceland, and the state of talks between the Tories and the LibDems, and Labour and the LibDems. Funny how a Party that came third in the popular vote and in the number of seats, can stop our Parliament from getting on with its business, cause a dip in the money markets, and ultimately even have the final say in which Bills manage to get through the Commons.

In the past couple of hours, Labour seem to have given up their wooing of the LibDems, so we’ll just have to wait and see if they (the LibDems) will crawl under the duvet with the blue brigade. The talks are cloaked in secrecy, making the election of a Pope seem like a school open day. We don’t even have the benefit of smoke being emitted, to give us some idea of how things are going. I suppose the no smoke rule is because they are so worried about the environment. It’s certainly not done me any favours, as I was hoping to make a quick buck out of my not inconsiderable number of peatbanks.

Of course, most Labour top knobs will see this as a blessing in disguise – tough measures have to be taken right from the outset if our economy is to recover, and their hope is that the electorate will clamour for an early election, blaming the other two parties for making us tighten our belts. Gordon Brown’s belongings are exiting Downing Street as I write, leaving another scramble for the leadership of the Labour Party. Many Conservatives do not like the idea of being in a coalition of their party with the Liberal Democrats, and vice-versa. Alex Salmond is bleating over his Cullen Skink that nobody seems to want to make a deal with him. As far as I can see, not many politicians in Britain today care a hoot about the electorate or how to reverse the country’s slide into poverty – all that matters to them is their own inflated egos and bellies.

If you think our politicians are bad, bickering and sniping and taking a couple of days to form a coalition government, then take a look at Taiwan - where legislators have finally passed a controversial law after repeatedly getting into physical fights in parliament over the issue. The controversial legislation - which would open university enrolment to students from the Chinese mainland - has sparked repeated bouts of fisticuffs this year. It finally passed late on Monday after legislators grabbed one another's arms and necks, in a move that is expected to bring the two main rival parties closer together - and not just so they can get more punches in. The new law would allow the admission of up to 2,000 top students every year from China, which claims sovereignty over self-ruled Taiwan. It is intended to help build people-to-people relations after decades of limited contact. But it's raised fears that it will force Taiwanese students out of the system and see them going to offshore universities. 'The Chinese mainland will attract our best students, meaning Taiwan's educational industry will go bankrupt and unemployment will rise,' opposition legislator Tsai Huang-lang said.

Meanwhile, a friend of mine across the Pond sent me the following snippet -- The outer road along Interstate 44 near St. Louis is freshly paved — with asphalt made from recycled swine manure. It is believed to be the first time asphalt has been created from swine manure. Two St. Louis County companies, road contractor Pace Construction Co. and the engineering firm Innoventor, joined together on the project. The St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported that Innoventor perfected the process of converting the animal waste into a bio-oil used in asphalt binder. Hog producers are optimistic that, if the project works, it will create an additional source of revenue while helping the environment. I don’t think I’d like to be driving on it in one of their sweltering hot summers, somehow.

2010 General Election

Well, that’s another General Election out of the way, and Britain seems to be in an even worse state than it was beforehand, if that indeed were possible. We have a hung Parliament, which is certainly not what the country needs at this moment.

Gordon Brown is still the Prime Minister, although not an elected one. Since becoming the Labour leader, there have been a couple of attempts to oust him, but those have fizzled out, although another attempted coup could be in the offing in the next few weeks. David Cameron, after becoming head of the Conservatives, reckoned that they should try and modernise their image if they really wanted to govern the country – well, they did change tack, and have won the most votes in the election, but not enough seats to give them a majority in the Commons. Some Tories will no doubt be wondering if he really is the man to be in charge of the Party. Nick Clegg of the Liberal Democrats might have come out on top in the leaders’ debates which were televised over the past few weeks, but that popularity wasn’t translated into votes last night, which means that the media might have been impressed with his appearances, but the majority of the electorate weren’t. Again, how happy are the rank and file going to be with his leadership, and overall campaign strategy?

I would suggest that what is needed in Britain today is a leader, in whichever party, who has some moral fibre, and who can gather around him a team of advisors who want to be there for the overall good of the country, and not to boost their own egos and bank balances. In all successful organisations, there are competent leaders – take some successful football clubs as just one example. Think of Celtic, Liverpool, Manchester United – all very successful clubs while there was an able man at the helm. They had Jock Stein, Bill Shankley, Alex Ferguson respectively – men who surrounded themselves with good coaches, and player who worked together as a TEAM, which is very important.

Our democracy in Britain has proved to be one of the best forms of government over the years, but it stops being democratic when bills are being forced through by applying the party whip, when individual members are forced to toe the party line, often against their own wishes or beliefs, and especially their constituents’ wishes. Each member is elected by his constituents, and to serve them properly, he/she should vote according to the way that the majority of them would want him/her to vote. There is also a strong case to be made for proportional representation, as the number of seats that the Liberal Democrats manage to get are ridiculously low compared to the number of votes cast for them nationwide. I recall someone saying that the best form of government was dictatorship, combined with assassination for any dissenters, but fortunately we in the UK are rather more refined than that – so far.

On a lighter note, I’ve had a look a look at what some of the party leaders gorged themselves on, particularly at election time. In the 2 weeks leading up to the big day, Margaret Thatcher went in search of chooks, and ate 28 eggs a week, while Gordon Brown demolished 9 bananas a day, to make up for cutting KitKats and fizzy drinks out of his diet. Harold Wilson loved to cover his food with Worcestershire Sauce, but decided to be photographed with HP Sauce instead, so that he could be more readily identified as being one of the masses. Mind you, he’s the only man in the last 100 years to have won 4 General Elections, so there’s something to be said for carrying a bottle of it in the hip pocket. Winston Churchill, of course, preferred liquid sustenance, especially brandy and champagne, which he took every day, sometimes as early as breakfast time.

I’m now feeling peckish, so it’s down to the kitchen for HP covered eggs, followed by a couple of bananas, washed down by some sparkling wine – non-alcoholic, of course, as I’m waiting patiently for a call from No 10, so as to give the new incumbent some tips on cooking haggis and sheep's head broth.

Council Mayhem in Western Isles

I am fed up of seeing Tweedledee, Tweedledum, and Tweedledem, those three bears who are trying to get their paws into the No 10 honeypot, staring at me from every newspaper that I look at, and from my seven television sets. I’ve decided therefore to give all that a miss on this pre-election day, and have a quick peek at what the honourable members of my local Council have been up to lately.

7 miles south of where I live, I see that they are constructing a footpath between the villages of Newmarket and Tong. Very admirable in normal circumstances, especially if folk actually walked along that route. However, in over 50 years of travelling on that road, I reckon that I’ve seen the grand average of six humans perambulating there per year. Of course, they might be using it during the night, whilst I’m dreaming of the best way to cook poached salmon. Admittedly, numbers of red deer have taken to frequenting the area over the past year, and maybe it’s meant to be for their convenience.

Two miles further down the road, and I come to a standstill at the infamous Laxdale Bridge. Probably built with leftover stones from Hadrian’s Wall, it is still single track, causing huge tailbacks from the north in the early mornings, when folk are trying to get to work, and from the south in the afternoons, when the same people are trying to rush home for their curried mince and tatties or gugas, as the case might be. The problem caused by this bridge has been discussed countless times by succeeding councils, but nothing has been actually done about it. There is talk at the moment of installing traffic lights, but that will not solve the problem – only a widening of the bridge to accommodate two lanes would seem to be the only rational solution. It seems that Scottish National Heritage, or some such group, has the bridge listed as being of special interest or something, but I’ve yet to spot any bridge twitchers, complete with binoculars or cameras, in the vicinity.

In the main town, Stornoway, work has begun on demolishing one of the car parks there, despite the fact that there haven’t been enough parking spaces for a number of years now. The public toilets there have also been shut, with the Council telling us that we can use the ones in the bus station. Unfortunately, that closes at 6pm, so that means we have to run a tight ship as far as our toilet needs are concerned. It seems that the former car park area is to be used as a focal point for the area, complete with bandstand. Now, my regular readers will be aware of the fact that I started to learn playing the fiddle last November, but there was really no need for them (the Council) to push out the boat for me in this manner.

I noticed a couple of weeks ago that a certain firm, who are recruiting staff for work to be done online from home, have placed an intriguing advertisement in my local paper. The pay is not actually much more than the National Minimum Wage, but they DO state that workers will have the added benefits of no travel, food, or clothing expenses. The ‘no travel’ part of that is true enough, but are workers expected to sit naked at their computers whilst starving as well? I don’t think I’ll be phoning for an application form, somehow.

Election, Golf, and Dolphins

Having been off the planet for a few weeks, I thought I’d come back to earth, and find out that politics had disappeared off the front pages. Alas, I soon realized that my hope was misplaced, given that a General Election has been called for next month, with thousands of aspiring pocket liners advising us on where to scribble our crosses. Lampposts, signposts, and even scratching posts, are covered in leaflets bearing the different parties’ names – so much for helping the environment, given the waste of paper involved. Do those who go around sticking up those works of art really imagine that I am going to be swayed by how many they’ve managed to put up, or by how high up a poster has been placed? I had a phone call on Tuesday night from a canvasser, informing me of how useless our sitting MP has been over the past few years, but she neglected to tell me what miracles HER candidate was going to perform in order to brighten up my existence. As I was trying to watch some football at the time, I wasn’t too amused with her rantings, so I gently told her that I liked planting XXXXXs on an attractive female’s lips, but that she need not apply.

Whilst I was away, I attended my nephew’s wedding, in the lovely town of Troon, famous for its golf courses and ice cream. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to sample either of those delights – the ice cream would have played havoc with my aftershave, and the golf was ... well ... too expensive. The marriage ceremony and wedding went off without a hitch, the reception being in a very nice hotel, with spacious grounds. We had excellent food and service, but unfortunately my ferric levels dropped alarmingly, as there was no Irn-Bru to be found on the premises. I suppose there was some consolation to be found in the array of beautiful females there, mostly from the Highlands and Islands of Scotland. Wha’s like them? If Tiger Woods had been in town having a round of golf, even he would have been put off his stroke.

Exercise Joint Warrior, the biggest training operation of its kind in Europe, kicked of last Monday. It takes place twice a year, and is held around the Clyde, the Western Isles, and Cape Wrath in Sutherland, with 11 countries being involved in the present one. The Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society (WDCS) are present as well, of course, in order to monitor the effect of the exercise on marine life. It must be rather difficult for them to assess properly, as they are land based, although they have managed to come up with the fact that research on a population of minke whales that appear off the west coast in the summer showed that the number of animals fell during each exercise, suggesting that they disappeared whilst it was being carried out. Of course they do – they’re not daft, and have no intention of being blown to bits by a rogue torpedo. By the way, if you’re walking around those coasts this week, and think you’ve spotted a bottlenose dolphin, do not be surprised to hear someone calling, “Bonjour, Monsieur”, as it will just be a French submarine up for a breather.

I see that our very own snowy owl has returned to the Hebrides this year in its continuing search for a female companion. It has been visiting most of the islands, including St Kilda, for the past 7 years, and although it was joined by another owl of the same species in 2008, hopes of a happy ending were dashed when it emerged that it was another male, presumably with the same idea of finding a mate. I suppose they’ll have to move with technology, and start using an online service, such as “Feathered Fling”.

Brown Bullying and Holyrood Unrest

Another week, another shambles in what’s called the Mother of Parliaments. This time, Our Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, is labelled a bully in a book written by political commentator Andrew Rawnsley. In it, he alleges that Cabinet Secretary Sir Gus O’Donnell had to take the Prime Minister aside and urge him to curb his ‘volcanic temper’. The founder of the National Bullying Helpline, Christine Pratt, then said it had received three or four calls in the last 18 months from people working with the Prime Minister. During the past 48 hours, we’ve had claims and counter claims, and the only thing that seems certain is that quite a few folk in high office are lying – they certainly all cannot be telling the truth.

Meanwhile, north of the border, mayhem seems to rule as well. Scottish Enterprise, that job creation quango, is to spend more than £100,000 of taxpayers’ money on a ‘staff team building’ exercise, which will involve flying workers to Glasgow from offices in Moscow, New York, Hong Kong and other cities. What they are actually meant to be doing in those locations is anyone’s guess. Nationalist MSP Bill Kidd rightly pointed out that “it sounds like a junket.” Alas, he forgot to make any mention of his own party’s intention of hiring a special ‘tsar’ to oversee the independence referendum that his leader, Alex Salmond, is so intent on having. That exercise will only cost the taxpayer a mere £2 million, after all.

Two Labour and two Conservative MSPs have announced that they are to stand in the forthcoming Westminster election, whilst holding on to their seats in Holyrood as well. Again, Bill Kidd has gone on the offensive – he’s a very busy fellow – saying that it’s completely wrong for them to stand for election to both centres of government. Has he forgotten that the only person who holds a seat in both Parliaments at present is his own leader, Alex Salmond? No, he hasn’t, it seems. It WAS okay for Mr Salmond, he reckons, as he informed his constituents in the 2005 and 2007 elections that he was seeking a dual mandate. Sheer hypocrisy! In effect, it’s a case of doing two jobs on a part time basis, whilst pocketing two full time wage packets. Maybe, just maybe, their respective electorates will decide that they are not worthy of representing them either in Scotland or in the UK. I assume they all know how to use a pen, as it’s needed when paying the weekly visit to the Job Centre.

Despite the dire state of the economy, with inflation and unemployment rising, the Scottish Executive seems to be just as interested in the health of pet rabbits at the moment. It is launching a consultation which ‘seeks views on the draft code of practice for the welfare of rabbits which is designed to be a practical guide for owners and keepers of rabbits, but does not cover ‘rabbits which are farmed for food’. I think that if I had a pet bunny, and wanted some practical advice on how to look after it, I would get a good book on the subject, and not look up some Government website for it. The SNP are not the only party to blame for coming up with those daft ideas though – in 2006, it was revealed that there had been on average one new law or regulation every day since the Holyrood parliament came into being, so the Labour-LibDem coalition were at it as well. Some were plain stupid, such as the ban on mink farms, when there none in Scotland. The reasoning given, if I remember rightly, was that someone might want to start one, so it was better to have the ban in place. If someone leaks the story about the large pet in my garden, I’m sure they’ll soon have a law in place banning elephant farms as well.

I heard yesterday that the drug manufacturer Eli Lilly, which makes Prozac, the human anti-depressant, has come up with a form of the pill, called Reconcile, for our canine friends. In fact, it has already been approved for sale to British pet owners. The tablet is said to help cure ‘canine compulsive disorder’ and ‘separation anxiety’ brought on by owners’ long absences during the day. Symptoms are said to include whimpering, poor behaviour, and tail chasing. What utter tripe! The poor dogs are being ‘labelled’ or ‘diagnosed’ with illnesses, just so that drugs can be marketed to supposedly treat them. I would hope that dog owners in Britain would give those pills a wide berth – a large juicy bone from the butcher down the road has been known to keep der Hund very happy for quite a while.
bullying, dogs, Holyrood, rabbits, Westminster

Overpaid Public Servants and EuroMillions

Is there no end to the money going into the wallets of certain “fat cats” north of the border? Dr Robert Masterton, executive medical director of NHS Ayrshire and Arran, with a salary of around £240,000, is the second highest paid public servant in Scotland – his wage is actually more than a fifth higher than Gordon Brown’s since being increased by more than 20% in 2 years. This, despite the fact that his board have unveiled plans for a 2% budget cut, leading to patient care being undermined, and also the fact that there had been 356 pest infestations in the board’s hospitals in a year – presumably the bugs took a holiday for 9 days. Why not, indeed?

I see that the chairman of Strathclyde Partnership for Transport (SPT), councillor Alistair Watson, has stepped down amid growing controversy concerning senior executives’ expenses. He is said to be leaving because of health reasons, but the timing coincides with a complaint to Audit Scotland, asking for an examination into claims totalling £117,573 made by SPT officials over the past three years, including £49,195 spent on overseas trips. A total of £1,700 was claimed for meals, travel, and accommodation after officials travelled to Manchester in May 2008 which coincided with the UEFA Cup Final between Rangers and Zenit St Petersburg. Their other jaunts have taken them to China, America, Singapore, Russia, Spain, Germany, Italy, and India. I would imagine that they travelled to the last two countries mentioned in order to study their gondola and rickshaw systems, and maybe introduce them to the Glasgow masses.

Meanwhile, the health and safety cowboys are at it again. At the end of December, during the very cold spell, firefighters from Kilmarnock and Ayr were called out to try and rescue a dog that was trapped on ice on a partially frozen pond. The commander at Kilmarnock Fire Station, Stevie Logan, finally managed to rescue the dog by getting hold of a canoe and paddling out to it. There is now an investigation into his conduct, as it seems that he broke Strathclyde Fire and Rescue guidelines by putting himself unnecessarily at risk. What is he and his colleagues meant to do the next time they’re called out to deal with a huge fire – stand by and watch? The mind boggles.

Now to another tale concerning finances, but a much happier one this time. I heard on Saturday that a couple from Britain had won 56 million pounds and 20 pence in the EuroMillions draw on Friday night. I wonder if they will check the 20 pence piece to see if it’s an undated one, worth £50. Anyway, they have now been paraded on telly, informing the nation of what they’ll be spending some of the dosh on. A new car and house, certainly, plus a Shetland pony and a tarantula. A new garden will be a must for the pony, of course, presumably with a sign on the gate bearing the legend, “Beware Of The Spider”.

Dennis the Menace a Menace no more!

Nicola Sturgeon, first in line to the throne of that other fishy sounding character, Alex Salmond, seems to have completely lost her marbles this week, having written to a court asking for leniency to be shown in the case of a convicted benefits fraudster. This guy cheated taxpayers out of £80,000 whilst living in a £400,000 home in Glasgow and earning rent for another property in Edinburgh. She must also have been aware of the fact that he’d been jailed for 4 years in 1996 for a pensions and benefits scam, yet she had the gall to tell the court that he’s in poor health and had made a “mistake”. Some mistake! Anyway, it’s made me take a note of my own MSP’s phone number, in case I get nicked in the future for flicking my cigarette ash on to the pavement.

It seems that Dennis the Menace, b.1951, and one of my boyhood heroes, has been disarmed in the comic, supposedly to match Dennis in the TV cartoon version. The politically correct brigade have managed to remove his peashooter, catapult, and water pistol; his menacing scowl has gone, replaced by a wide angelic grin, and his trusty sidekick, Gnasher the hound, has lost the right to bite the postie or the traffic warden, or indeed, anybody else who looks remotely edible. The PC lobbyists insist that children who are exposed to the old-style Dennis, Roger the Dodger, and Minnie the Minx are more liable to turn into serial thieves, murderers, or terrorists. What utter rubbish! Do the majority of us who were brought up reading those comics now go around brandishing guns, knifes, or throwing bombs into crowded places. I think not!

I think I’ve written before now regarding stupid surveys and research carried out at great expense by supposedly respectable bodies and individuals. I’ve just come across another one that has been unleashed this week, involving some research done by Dr Jane Murray of Bristol University. She has come to the conclusion that folk who own cats are quite a bit more intelligent than those who own dogs. No chance of me, then, applying for membership of Mensa, and meeting up with the Queen of figures, Carol Vorderman, at an egghheads’ convention. I’ve never had a cat, and I don’t think I will either, even if it was going to enhance the cells up top. Dr Murray has also come up with the breathtaking revelation that people with gardens are more likely to have pets than those who don’t. I’d actually suspected that was the case for a number of years now, as my pet elephant’s toilet requirements couldn’t easily be met inside the confines of the house. The research wasn’t all rubbish, of course – it also informs us that, on the whole, members of the canine and feline worlds do not get on well together. It must have taken them a long time, and the consumption of countless doggie biscuits, before they came up with that one. Not having had time to read the whole report, I’m not sure if loyalty is mentioned. I think everyone, pet owner or not, can see that cats have a “couldn’t care less” attitude, as long as they are fed, whereas dogs never tire of showing affection for their owners. Of course, it’s a known fact (no research needed) that if you were to die, your dog would lie there indefinitely beside you, whereas your cat …. well, he wouldn’t starve….

John Cleese and Expenses

The Sir Thomas Legg final report into claims for MPs’ expenses has been published today, and makes interesting reading, although nobody will have the actual time to read it. It is a large volume, and so it should be, at a cost of over £1,000,000, roughly the same amount as is being clawed back from certain guys and gals at Westminster. It is ironic that on the same day, parliamentary authorities have also introduced a new system for viewing MPs’ latest expenses claims, and it is, quite simply, an outrage. The old system – a list of names with links to PDF files – was much better. Voters can no longer view copies of receipts. Only the bare details of expenses are given -- just a new way of covering up details of claims. I’m not going to dwell on the issue here, although I was interested to hear Sir Gerald Kaufman’s name being mentioned on a couple of news bulletins earlier on. I had read last year about his claiming £225 for a pen, which I hope came complete with ink, and £8865 for a Bang & Olufsen 40in LCD television, but I hadn’t picked up on the £220+ that was spent on 2 grapefruit bowls. At that price, maybe the grapefruit should be silver plated.

Meanwhile, my own financial situation is not in the best of health today – I was asked to carry out a small job for the local council over the next couple of weeks, but didn’t realise that I had to fill in a pile of forms first of all, presumably to keep others in work scrutinising them. Worse was to come, as the instructions stipulated that I had to use black ink. Alas, no such thing in the house, which meant that I had to invest in 2 black pens, thus halving my anticipated wages from the work. As if that wasn’t depressing enough, I found out that President Obama is drastically cutting down on the money given to NASA, and is eliminating the manned missions to the moon. It means that the 2 plots I bought over 14 years ago in a desirable location there are now worth zilch. I might have to look to Iran to help out – they might, just might, get someone up there during my lifetime, as they have managed to send a mouse, a pair of turtles, and some worms into space using a light booster rocket. Probably turn out to be just a Mickey Mouse effort, though.

Talking of Space, a doctor near Washington, DC was very fortunate to escape injury last week, when a small meteorite struck the roof of his office, and scattered debris around the place. It was the size of a tennis ball, and was travelling at around 220 miles per hour. Probably something that Andy Murray should aim for if he wants to succeed at Wimbledon.

I’ve always been a fan of John Cleese, especially his portrayal of the hotel owner in “Fawlty Towers”. Last year he was in America, carrying out his “Alimony Tour”, so-called because of the $20,000,000 that he had to fork out to his ex-wife, Alice Faye Eichelberger. Sounds like “I’ll hae a burger”, but presumably she won’t be sitting down in a MacDonald’s in the foreseeable future. Anyway, he came up with some memorable lines concerning the divorce, and the amount of money that is now missing from his bank account, including this one – “To make me feel better, my lawyer told me to imagine how much more I’d have had to pay if Alice had contributed anything to the relationship – such as children, or a two way conversation”. Ouch!

Geese, Chocolate, and Vinegar

A short scribble today, as I’m busy building a snowman to see if it will frighten the wild geese off my estate. I still haven’t used my newly acquired shotgun, as I want my neighbours to feel safe while they amble about outside their back doors. Having said that, someone else must have had a Sunday lunch for the price of a bullet last weekend, as I had seven geese visiting me last Saturday, but on Monday there were only six.

Tony Blair has come and gone from the Iraq inquiry, acting exactly as I thought he would be – smug, arrogant, and bullish. Not a hint of regret for the invasion; insisting, instead, that the world was a safer place since the removal of Saddam Hussein. Certainly not for our military, or for innocent civilians across the globe whose lives are being snuffed out by roadside explosive devices and by suicide bombers. Liberal Democrat MP Sir Menzies Campbell summed up the man rather neatly when he commented, “Mr Blair does not do contrition.”

I now turn to this country of ours, Britain, that could in the past be rightly prefixed by the ‘Great’. In the latter part of my lifetime, it has lost its shipbuilding, steel, car, and fishing industries, along with others, too numerous to mention. The loss of those was bad enough, but I was even more saddened a couple of weeks ago when I learned that those masters of the chocolate world, Cadburys, were to be taken over by Krafts. Ah, the number of female hearts that melted over the years after I’d continually assaulted them with products from the afore mentioned company. I don’t think I’ll be doing much of that in the future, as giving her something made by Krafts will probably make us both visualize salad cream or cheese. Not the same, I’m afraid!

Glancing through a local paper this week, I noticed an advert with an inflatable dingy (I assume it was meant to be ‘dinghy’) for sale. Amongst its selling points was the fact that it had no leaks. Certainly reassuring for any would-be buyers. The same paper had a snippet of information concerning jewels – that pearls melt in vinegar. Luckily I was aware of that fact from an early age – it’s why, when I took any female acquaintance out for a posh meal, I never allowed her to sprinkle any of the stuff on her fish supper.

Blair, Palin, and Picasso

We now know that Tony Blair is to give evidence in the Iraq inquiry sometime in the fortnight after 25th January. If he has any conscience left, or any respect for the families of those whom he helped send to an untimely death, I would hope that his semi permanent smirk will be missing from his dial. 60 seats are being allocated to the public, but only a third of those are to be given to families who have lost their loved ones. Those folk are understandably upset – as far as I can see, all the seats should have been given to them. Instead of that, a ballot is being held to determine who will be given the remaining seats. Presumably, this will consist of other members of the public who’ve had no direct contact with the conflict, and who just want to go there to gawk, for want of a better word. Shameful!

America seems to be all mixed up at the moment as regards politics. After the euphoria following Barack Obama’s election to The White House, it now appears that Sarah Palin is very much in vogue again. Her debut as a political pundit has been hailed by a lot of the public as a success, and her book of memoirs is on top of the US bestseller lists. I’m not sure how true some of the comments attributed to her by critics were, such as being experienced in foreign relations because she could “see Russia” from Alaska, her home state, or that she was of the opinion that Africa was just the one country. Whatever the truth of the matter, she is either a very smart lady, or she has some very smart individuals advising her. She resigned as Governor of Alaska last July, ostensibly to shield her family from criticism, but in reality was probably a move which allowed her to escape ethics probes which subsequently found her guilty of numerous violations. Going by her popularity at the moment, it seems that a lot of the American people have short memories, and are quite happy to support someone who oozes sex appeal, and looks like a TV star.

Congratulations are in order for Flight Lieutenant Wills Wales, he who is second in line to the throne, for graduating from his RAF helicopter course. His girlfriend, Kate Middleton, will undoubtedly feel that much safer stepping into his chopper the next time that he drops into her garden to collect her.

I received my electricity bill today – not too heavy, I must admit, but it reminded me of Pablo Picasso, who, when he was poor, used to burn his paintings in order to keep warm. Unfortunately, we cannot all be painters!

Barmy British Laws

A couple of months ago, I mentioned some of the barmy laws that exist in Britain, and it’s only because of the unusually long spell of snow and frost that I came across another one that could affect any of us as we walk around our towns and cities. I was very critical of local shopkeepers for not clearing the pavements in front of their shops, but it seems that they were actually protecting themselves from the wrath of British justice. Firms have been warned that if they clear ice outside their businesses, they leave themselves open to legal action. However, if they leave the paths or pavements in a treacherous state, they are immune from being sued. It seems that they would have to get public liability insurance if they wanted to stay above board in the legal sense. The Institution of Occupational Safety and Health, representing 36,000 health and safety experts, has a lot to answer for.

It seems that we are not allowed nowadays to protect our families and property either. The TV presenter Myleene Klass has been warned by police that she was breaking the law by waving a knife at a gang who had broken into her garden. She was actually inside her home, and they were outside, when the incident occurred, but she was told that she should not have used the knife as carrying an “offensive weapon”, even in her own house, was illegal. With the scarcity of police officers nowadays on the beat, what are folk supposed to do – allow themselves to be attacked and their houses ransacked by louts? It leaves me with a dilemma as well – how am I going to chop my vegetables, or for that matter, cut up my juicy T-bone steak?

Experts at “Which?”, the consumer watchdogs, have come to the conclusion that everyday tasks such as mopping the floor, dusting, and taking a walk with the vacuum cleaner burn up more calories and give a better boost to fitness than playing about with a Nintendo Wii. They probably burned a lot of grey calories themselves while trying to come to that conclusion.

It seems that Ronnie Wood, he of the Rolling Fossils, has started dating another girl in her 20s, just weeks after falling out with Katia Ivanova, his girlfriend for 18 months or so. This latest one’s family come from Russia, same as Katia did. Is he collecting their females in the same way as some of us collect their famous eggs?

Global Warming or Freezing?

Another really cold day here in the northern part of Scotland, with a strong wind, frost, and choppy seas, meaning that ferries are stuck in port, thus leaving supermarket shelves so bare that they could easily be eligible to be on the Sun’s Page Three. I think that human hibernation for the next month is the only answer. In fact, although I might have mentioned this before, the wind was so strong that it reminded me of a similar day a while back, when a neighbour told me that he’s watched one of his hens lay the same egg three times.

A few weeks ago, we had some of the world’s so-called leaders having a chinwag for 10 days on how to stop global warming. They couldn’t agree on anything, of course, although they DID manage to spend millions on expenses, quaffing the best food and drink, and managing to leave even more of a carbon footprint by jetting in for their conference from all corners of the globe. Have they never heard of some advances that have been made in technology over the years, such as video conferencing? Going by the weather we’re having now, can we expect them to have another shindig soon, in order to discuss how to stop global freezing?

Still on the weather front – David McLetchie, leader of the Scottish Tories between 1999 and 2005, has suggested that offenders should be made to clear our pavements and streets of snow as part of their rehab. Within minutes, a listener had phoned BBC Scotland, asking how the public could manage their finances if the bankers were out, busy shovelling the white stuff.

I see that Stephanie Beacham, she of Dynasty fame, managed to burn herself just days before she was due to go into the Celebrity Big Brother house, whatever that is. She knocked over a saucepan of boiling water in her kitchen, and somehow managed to scald one of her legs and her head. She must be either very supple or else rather small in stature to have managed that feat.

A quick update on Mrs Ure, who is still stuck in a caravan with one of her friends, and of course, with the turkey. I thought things couldn’t get any worse, but it seems that they have, as the electricity generator back home has blown up, and her husband has to rely on candles and a coal fire. Maybe the song, “The Twelve Days of Christmas” will need to have a few extra days added to it.

Dentists and Frozen Turkeys

It’s been over a month since I’ve scribbled anything here, but it should come as no surprise that I have a look at Westminster for my first item of 2010. It has been revealed that many of the estimated one million illegal immigrants in Britain are actually working in top Government offices – including the headquarters of the UK Border Agency – the body that is supposed to keep them out of the country in the first instance! The organisation is one of 3 Government departments, 54 NHS Trusts, and 34 local authorities who have admitted employing 349 foreign staff that have no right to work here since 2006. On top of that, the expenses scandal is still to the fore, with over 400 MPs having had demands to repay some of their expense claims, ranging from £1000s for flipping houses to a few pounds for things such as garlic slicers. It all leaves a sour taste in the mouth.

Talking of that part of the anatomy, it seems that a new dentist’s surgery is to be built adjacent to the local hospital here. I would have thought that there are plenty of other areas where it could have been built, as the hospital could well do with many more parking spaces, and the ground allocated for the dentist’s new surgery would have been ideal. The architects have tried to pacify us natives by telling us of the lovely view of Broadbay that we’re going to have as we sit there having our treasured molars extracted. Well, that is certainly true if we happen to be sitting whilst facing east – we’ll be able to see a small part of the bay, plus the odd plane landing on, or taking off, from the nearby airport. However, if we are looking north, we find ourselves looking at a housing estate, and what folk are preparing for dinner. A glimpse to the west, another housing estate, and the busiest road leading into the town, which will undoubtedly give us fantastic free views of would-be Formula One Drivers. Now to the south, where all we’re going to have is a bird’s eye view of nurses tending to their patients in a couple of the wards. Fantastic scenery, as the architects have informed us. Of course, we have the consolation of knowing that the Accident and Emergency department is only 40 yards away if the dentist messes up our gums whilst he or she is enjoying the panorama to be seen from his room.

I suppose that we should all sympathize with the couple from Sutherland in the north of Scotland who have been kept apart by the weather for the past 14 days. Kay Ure had left her lighthouse keeper’s cottage in the remote part of the Scottish Highlands to go on a shopping trip to Inverness. However, with the turkey safely in the bag, thick snow and blocked roads have made it impossible for her to return to the cottage and to her, no doubt, starving husband, John. We can only hope that he will soon have two birds in the hand, one frozen, and one of the rather more cuddly type.