Salmond, Pets, and Frenchmen

Doubts have been raised over whether the Westminster Coalition Government will press ahead with the £5 billion plan to build 2 aircraft carriers in Rosyth, and on the Clyde. About 10,000 defence jobs could be at risk, and Scotland’s First Minister, Alex Salmond, had publicly called for all Holyrood parties to take part in discussions aimed at safeguarding those jobs. The talks will go ahead on Monday, but minus the wanderer Mr Salmond, who will be in Bilbao instead, meeting senior executives of Spanish energy giants Iberdrola, owners of Scottish Power. He is expected to make what a spokesman described as “a significant announcement on wave energy development.” Could he not make that announcement in Scotland, or is the attraction of paella, chorizo, and aguardiente proving too much for him?

A survey by the People’s Dispensary for Sick Animals has found that 71% of pets are overweight. This shouldn’t surprise us, as half of all owners admit giving their pets takeaways, with fish and chips and curries being top of the list. 8 out of 10 owners say that they feed their pets anything from ice cream to duck breast and even after-dinner mints. It seems a terrible reflection on our society that even during a recession, some folk choose to pamper their animals in a way that actually harms their health, while thousands of families struggle to afford one wholesome meal per day.

6 months ago, nearly 50% of French men claimed in a poll that they were the world’s best lovers. Now, another poll has shown that there is something seriously wrong with 75% of relationships in the land of the Eiffel Tower. We should have suspected that there was a flaw in the first survey, as they’d also said that they were the most intelligent males in Europe, and – wait for it – the funniest. Ha ha, indeed!

That brilliant man, Albert Einstein, was three and a half years old when he spoke his first words, complaining that his milk was too hot. Until then, his parents were of the opinion that he was severely retarded, so they were naturally delighted at this turn of events, and asked him why he hadn’t spoken before then. He answered that he hadn’t needed to up till then, as everything around him had been running smoothly. Enough said!